I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
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My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
My doctor says I’m a hypochondriac. Is that any way to speak to a woman who’s probably dying?
If it’s unimportant, I’ll remember it.
Welcome to Premature Ejaculation Club
A lot of you came early,
I’m not surprised
“I’m wet and have crabs.” That’s what sea said.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
Alien: this planet sucks I don’t know how you do it
Me: *slowly opens pizza box*
Alien: dude
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
My 2yo thinks 5 am is a great time to discuss the mysteries of life.
When someone buys a new car I like to get them a ziploc bag full of gas as like a car warming present.
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
Do the things that bring you joy. Bake cookies. Take walks along the beach at sunset. Drink the blood of your enemies as part of an ancient incantation that opens a portal to the Underworld. Sing like no one can hear you.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
Society: Dance like no ones watching.
Also society: Records it for everyone to see.
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
Sorry, when you said you needed someone to listen to your problems, I assumed you meant by eavesdropping on your therapy sessions.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
[ asteroid approaching earth ]
me: *slapping baseball mitt*
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
*pulls up pants*
Me: It feels like I’ve got the world’s worst wedgie!
Proctologist: That’s normal.
M: …
P: Hey… Have you seen my glove?
HIM: I wanna do bad things with you
ME: Like punching old ladies?
HIM: Uh, no…
ME: Stealing from the donation jar?
HIM: God, no! I mean like-
ME: Stroller tipping?
HIM: You know, never mind.
ME: Taking up two parking spaces?
HIM: Goodbye
ME: Putting habanero juice in-
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
Today there were a few deer in the backyard looking hungry so I tromped out there with a bucket of corn and the entire flock of turkeys came out of nowhere charging at me. It was quite unsettling but we’re all fine.
He has notifications on for me pray for his phone
if your cat keeps trying to make noise but nothing is coming out, check and make sure they didn’t get stuck on mewt
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!