I’ve been to Iraq twice and Afghanistan once. Still not as scary as my ex’s number popping up on my phone this morning.
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i’m awake! please respect my privacy during this very difficult time
Call me when you have $50,000 and you’ll get your little girl back. Call in the next five minutes and I’ll throw in a second kid as a gift.
My husband bought a steamer because I don’t iron. I wonder how long it’s going to take him to figure out that I don’t steam?
This day in history. 1701. Maryland legalized divorce in cases where the wife displeased their clergyman. What kind of kinky cult was that?
Me: Where can I get a good steak?
Her: Butcher?
Me: *deeper voice* Where can I get a good steak?
Do you like them? I made them from scratch. Do you want one? – me introducing my kids to strangers.
“Bjärk! Bjärk!”
-Björk’s dog
DATE: so this is my dad and this is his porcelain cat collection
ME: wow, I feel like I’m in a
DATE: no
ME: mewseum
DAD: *nods his approval*
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
me: [unconscious in hospital bed]
wife: I think we’re ready to pull the plug
dr: why
wife: quality of life
dr: he could wake up at any moment
wife: oh, not HIS quality of life
-My cat will ONLY drink from a slightly running faucet and she rubs her gums along the side of it.That’s the faucet I brush my teeth from. So basically I’ve made out with my cat.
Therapist: [Puts her pen down. Rubs the bridge of her nose]
I’d be far more impressed with He-Man if he went all the way and got his doctorate of the universe.
The commando team infiltrates my base, sneaks up behind my guards, and executes the neck twist maneuver. But my owl guards are unharmed.
For the last time I said CAULK, I need black CAULK.
This isn’t funny, what isle is it in
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
My mind has been wandering so long, we’re pretty much in a long-distance relationship.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
I don’t always make my order as complicated as possible, just when the server is showing off by not writing it down.
me: [waking up in jail and seeing my cellmate is the kool-aid man] oh thank god I’m so thirsty
wife: honey did you see the new player piano I bought
me: *stops googling can ghosts play the piano* yes I did
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
i kicked the back of her seat ONE time
HER: If you could have any pet—
ME: Panda.
HER: Wow. Okay, what would you name—
ME: Pandrew.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body