I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
You Might Also Like
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.
My wife and I asked my son who he loves most. He pointed all around. I said he had to choose, then he told us he was pointing at the wifi.
waiter: need help with the menu?
me: yes, what’s this word here
waiter: the name of the restaurant, sir
me: and how is that prepared
🍄 Convo at work today:
Person: why do red mushrooms have polka dots?
Me: ok I have to warn you, this is my special interest, I can’t answer unless you have 30 mins to spare
P: 30 mins for a plant?
Me: plant? Nvm I need an hour. At least.
If you dropped a can of Heinz Alphabet Spaghetti off a skyscraper it could spell disaster.
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I just ate a perfectly ripe avocado, kinda thought my super power would be more exciting.
I wont play GI Joes with my nephew until he learns to play it right. He’s 4 years old, he should know better than to drag Vader into this.
*shotguns bottle of hot sauce*
*checks mirror*
Is it working yet?
*flips bird*
*buys another bird with the profits*
a dishwasher safe would have to be a really big safe
MAN: What are you doing?
ME: [pointing gun at lake] Fishing
MAN: No way will-
SALMON: [walks out of lake with fins up]
Joggers are going to be really pissed if it turns out we only get a certain amount of steps in life.
Me: *walking in front of husband at store*
Husband: “Ooo yeahhhh, now that’s what I’m talkin about”
Me: *turns around to see husband admiring a fancy grill*
This could be us, but you weedin’.
no i don’t subtweet, i voodoo doll like a real adult.
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
Me on my way to annoy my favorite person
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
*grabs man in NASA coat*
No, you don’t understand! He’s a werewolf! A werewolf astronaut! LISTEN TO ME, THE MOON IS ALWAYS FULL UP THERE!
My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.
Documentaries not only expand my world views, but also compel me to change my behavior for a solid 24-36 hours.
Me: How can I make this funny?
Them: Change what funny is.
Does the employee manual say I CAN’T set up my camping tent inside my cubicle? No? Then please step outside & zip the door up behind you.
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.