Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kids are easy to care for until they learn to roll over. After that you’re never
sure what they’re up to for the rest of their lives.

“Are you listening to understand or to be right?”

~ sometimes pretending to listen results in unexpected mutiple choice questions

Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.

Can’t wait for the air quality to improve so I can continue staying indoors and avoiding social commitments

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.

I never try to make guests feel at home. If they wanted to feel at home, they should have stayed there.

[ In bed, trying to find a cold spot ]

Ahhhh, there it is…

Wife: Get off of me!!

911: Did you ring yesterday?

Boy: No

911: Day before?

Boy: Definitely not

911: Your voice is familiar

Boy: Please just help

911: Ok can you describe your attacker?

Boy: It’s a wolf

911: Oh for fu

You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.

this one has claws

This one swims but can’t fly

This one is huge & runs funny

This one bangs his head against trees

– god making birds

booking flights on a phone is crazy. that is a laptop activity

🤣

I hope my kids are impressed with how resourceful the Easter Bunny is for filling eggs with steeply discounted Valentine’s Day candy.

*hypnotists breaking up*

four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy

Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe

There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust

My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.

why can’t i find normal clothes anymore why is it all either $5 for a scrap of polyester produced in evil ways or $200 for a basic shirt

“Is this your resume?”

Yes

“It just says you used to leave shit at your friends’ doors, ring the bell & run away?”

Yes

“Welcome to UPS!”

Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?

Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.

5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.

2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.

My kids tell me I drink too much.

It’s funny they don’t make the connection.

[Day at the beach]

*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *

6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home

One day when the kids ask about life before the crab war you’ll laugh nervously and continue walking sideways to crab church.

This is your brain.

*holds up a brain*

And this is your brain on drugs.

*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*

Me: Christmas is nothing but corporate greed!
Mom: Would you like some more gold leaf sugar sprinkled on your cocoa?
Me: Yes please.

My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”

me: [arguing] oh so I’m too bossy?

girlfriend: I think I need a break

me: [checks clipboard] says here you already had one today