Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nurse: how’s that helping his heart?

Surgeon: [stitching clock into patient’s chest] IT HEALS ALL WOUNDS KAREN

Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements

Florist: we don’t

I’m as disappointed as a cop in an 80s movie who just took a sip of coffee that he poured from the pot in the precinct break room.

The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.

WHY would you be happy about this?

Neighbor may have just called the cops after hearing me yell at the cat for stealing my cheese bread

Imagine a bunch of Italian mobsters tiptoeing and trying not to giggle as they gingerly place a horse head in bed with a sleeping guy.

This recipe’s great because you probably have all the ingredients on hand! OK let’s start: grind your caribou horn down til you have half a teaspoon of powder…

4 Mesh Shirts That Will Make You Look Like A Sexy Little Asian Pear

saw a garbage truck with the tagline “our business stinks, but it’s picking up!” pretty good imo.

“And there was this one time…”

*scuffle scuffle*
*muffled swearing*
*mic drops*

Me, giving a wedding toast

I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.

My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.

I sold their house.

“Go ahead, caller. . .”

“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”

Sometimes I’m depressed and then a girl stars one of my tweets and it’s like YAAAAYYYY NEW GIRLFRIEND!!!!!

Her: Could you dim the lights?

Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.

Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.

[inventing the parrot]
HOW ABOUT LIKE A TYE DYE CHICKEN WHO SCREAMS ACTUAL WORDS AT YOU

repaired

DOG: *prancing and enthusiastically wagging*

WIFE: the dog got the mail again

ME: damn, why does she only chew up the ones addressed to me?

WIFE: because she knows you hate bills

ME: …

DOG: *still wagging*

ME: WHO’S A GOOD GIRL?!

My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice

Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.

I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.

How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?

nobody will remember:
– your salary
– how “busy you were”
– how many hours you worked

People will remember:
– you were in the corner
– in the spotlight
– losing your religion

FRED & DAPHNE: *pull the mask off old man jenkins*

JENKINS: gosh darnit if not for you meddling kids I would have survived the pandemic

Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..

“my eye is up here”

-Illuminati pyramid

My youngest son can grow a beard even though his father can’t.
Score 1, for my facial hair producing genes.

When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.

Glade bathroom spray- because everyone loves the smell of someone crapping on a rose bush.

One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.