Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.

I’d get my mind out of the gutter, but I think it’s wrong to remove an animal from its natural habitat.

WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.

This day in history. 1810. Sweden declared war on its ally the United Kingdom initiating 2 years of fairly spiteful Christmas card exchanges.

Her: Stop being so territorial.
Me: *peeing a circle around her* I have no idea what you mean.

ㅤ

Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.

Brownie points would be better if we could eat them.

Finally cleaned out the fridge to make meal planning easier. Tonight, we’re having buttered olives with mustard and baking soda.

Dog owner: oh, don’t worry, he’s friendly! He loves people! He’s just a big old softie angel baby and he would never hurt a fly

Cat owner: he’s a literal monster. Try not to make eye contact with him or otherwise upset him. He will literally eat your face and then LAUGH about it

Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.

I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air

A Facebook group named “Humans Against Herd Behavior” was created yesterday. So far, 10,000 people have joined the group.

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

*during a magnitude 1 earthquake*

Owner of the Etch-a-sketch museum: no no No NO!

Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!

Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.

when I worked as a restaurant critic, I wrote under a nom nom nom de plume.

Oh, I bet you would be

I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂

Girl: that’s a fine-tooth comb

Guy: *combing teeth* thanks

“You’re never going to believe this, but my doctor just told me I’ve got a protein deficiency.”

“No whey!”

Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…

That awkward moment you have long eye contact with someone who’s really attractive, only cause it’s too hard to walk away from the mirror.

superman villains:

darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machine

batman villains:

the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin

I live in constant fear that my kid will become a famous artist or painter and I will have thrown out about a trillion dollars of her work

If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.

Me: You’re sooo cute!! Come over here and give me a hu—

4 (*leaving the room*): Pause my show.

Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.