Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[at a wedding]
“So, ya come here often?”

I blame 2 of my 3 DUIs on Jesus because I specifically told him to take the wheel

[comes home from a day away]

Kids: Guess what we did today?!?

Me: Played monopoly, ate pizza, painted, cut paper, had ice cream.

Kids: How’d you know?!?

Me: *looking at everything out* Lucky guess

People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.

The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.

My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant

Salons always have hair on the floor. Garages always have oil on the floor.

Banks, what is your problem?

Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.

Her: You accepted your flaws?

Me: No. I accepted your flaws.

Bob was hungry. He ripped open a new bag of tortillas only to discover a convenient, resealable opening on the other end

I ran into a friend who asked how distance learning has been going with my kid. I whined about the horrorfest this morning (trying to teach 8th grade common core math.) I gave an example but my friend didn’t understand so I began explaining. Then it hit me I was teaching it AGAIN

Trying to imagine what it’d take for me to yell at a server. Like if I ordered an omelette and they brought me a bowl of rats? But I’d probably still just be like “I’m sorry, you seem to have brought me someone else’s bowl of rats.”

Going to a strangers baby shower 45 minutes away, this baby better make an appearance for all that effort.

Unmuting myself to say “thank you!”after a 1.5 hour meeting I didn’t contribute anything to

I was on a date and my credit card got declined. Her credit card got declined too. Then I knew I was in love.

[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be

With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.

when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there

A policeman stops a car…

Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”

Miner: “Mine.”

Date: Uhh seriously?

Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too

*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*

Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!

Eating microwaved leftovers.

In the bathroom:

Me: *Meticulously manscapes*

Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”

[1st date]

Her: So, were you born here?

Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.

[hand sensing faucet factory]

Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software

Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy

I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.

Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it

Me: How can I make this funny?

Them: Change what funny is.

“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.

gonna open a bar called “well, actually” and any time someone utters that phrase they have to buy everyone in the place a round of well shots