I’ve been told I can be a bit condescending. That means I talk down to people.
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I is smart
I is kind
I is important
I is in the wrong office– I thought to myself after having wine for lunch
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
Jack: hello, beans
Beans: hello, Jack
-Jack and the beans talk
Someone asked me why I was wearing a fake AirPod… bro that’s my hearing aid
You mean the stick figures on the back of your vehicle is not your kill count?
*slowly scrapes mine off*
[reflecting on past]
“Ah, yes. I see what the problem is. See all of this?”
*gestures at everything*
“All of this is wrong.”
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”
Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
What doesn’t kill you probably tried, saw your tweets, and felt bad for you
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
My GF called me “behind the times” today. I got so upset, I paused the VCR, paged my friends & asked them to fax me their best advice.
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
Sure I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand bats.
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
I bet the kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were surprised when found out their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time.
My dandruff is so bad, I leaned over the fish tank. They thought it was feeding time.
It started with a star and ended with a restraining order.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.
It is said the population of sheep in New Zealand is 60 Million.
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Hey boy, are you an Amazon wish list?
Because I want you so bad, but will forget about you when I sign out.