I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Boss: Why do you look so sad?
Me: I actually paid a college hundreds of thousands of dollars so I could do this
the concept of santa actually pisses me off a lot. i work hard all year to buy my kids presents, but all the credit goes to some fat old guy who squeezes down my chimney, eats my food, makes out with my wife, and disappears. this is bullshit
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
He looks like he’s got a lot to say
My cousin thinks the phrase is sperm of the moment. Someday, I may correct her.
“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.
[Produce Aisle]
Sir, we’re going to have to ask you to leave.
*mouthful of like 20 grapes *
“That lady took one too!!”
Most people don’t know this, but a canine that practices medicine is called a Dogter.
[dark movie theater]
me: *opens soda can*
them:
me: *opens then starts loudly crunching corn nuts*
them: Shhhh
me: *pulls out cast iron with sizzling fajitas*
Spotted the tiniest of cows perched on a fence post today.
Double standard – bear breaks into girl’s house, bear gets shot. Girl breaks into bear’s house, we write a children’s story about it.
i’ve got a body like a sack of potatoes but a personality like a french fry
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
[text]
“Hey”
Hi.
“I’m just laying in bed thinking about you.”
This is your mom.
“New phone who dis?”
Eric, that doesn’t work. You texted me.
[my first day as a 911 operator]
*eating peanut butter with a spoon* 911 wath er mumergy
Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I have this theory that McDonald’s hamburgers are actually made out of their employees. That’s why they’re always hiring.
No LinkedIn, I am not “open to work,” I am required to work
My husband said let’s cuddle, so he took one dog and I took the other two, and we cuddled.
Somewhere, a ninja watches “I Didn’t Know I was Pregnant.” An imperceptible smile creeps across his lips. “Damn right you didn’t.”
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
It’s so reassuring when your nephew asks for your birth year and then replies with woah, did you go to war?
Boss: you’re fired
Me: *slams fist on couch* you woke me up for this?
Want to binge on sugar but all I’ve got are gummy vitamins so I’m about to get mad healthy
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.
