I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
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I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
[the best zoom meetings]
host: can you hear me ok?
everyone: no
host: let’s just reschedule
everyone: great
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
tried to buy two florentine cookies and the guy at Canter’s was like “better make it 6 actually” and I was like “ok”
Damn girl, are you chocolate? Because I love you but you killed my dog.
BREAKING: Hillary Clinton concedes election to Donald Trump, saying “I just can’t see how I can win after Scott Baio endorsed Trump.”
Black Friday “markdowns” like
There didn’t used to be all these coffee choices. You had to decide at a grocery store if you wanted coffee that was the best part of waking up or was good to the last drop.
My dog has been looking for a spot to shit since 1958.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
I want to work in a Morgue, because if no one comes to claim the bodies, hey, free bodies.
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
Katy Perry says that god spoke to her before the Super Bowl and said “you got this,” so it’s safe to say that god has crappy taste in music.
Flight attendant: You’re sitting by the emergency door. Will you be able to open it if necessary?
Me, having just put lotion on my hands: *sweats profusely*
I can’t tell if this character in the movie I’m watching is a villain or just German.
My dog’s frightened to walk across shiny floors and won’t eat dog food unless I heat it up. I have a feeling he’d be a flop out in nature.
Hotel reviews are pure chaos. You’ll read, “Breathtaking lobby. Extraordinary suites. My stay filled me with a deep & lasting sense of peace.” Then the next one’s like, “This dump is FILTHY! Elevator was SLOW! Ice machine TIPPED over & I’m STILL pinned BENEATH IT!!!”
No one has a dog’s back like another dog. If a dog hears barking it will trust the other dog and join it bark first ask questions later….
if I were a pediatrician I’d break the ice with new patients by having the receptionist call my phone 3 minutes into the appointment and saying “look, Mrs Johnson, I run a busy practice- for the last time NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
[Shopping with teen son]
*sees hot girl*
*waits until she gets close*
*grabs box of adult diapers*“How are you doing on Depends bud?”
2: mommy, grammy goes to bed with grandpa
me: yeah, hey can we talk about something else?
As soon as we’re able to go to church again I’m not going.
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT