I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
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I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”
People have sex without music playing? How do you know when to change partners?
[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
I accidentally relaxed my shoulders at work today and shapeshifted into a doormat.
Me *sees boy at school* ugh that kid over there is so annoying
Teacher: I agree but you still need to take him home
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
Stick it to the man
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
CTRL + C and CTRL + V another window
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
*Buys Samsung smart fridge. Opens app every 15 minutes to see if there’s anything good in there*
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
Own two different pasta machines.
still make cup noodles with the Keurig.
Mermaids is much more serious than mermsyphilis.
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
Happy Halloween !
Cartoon credit: Berger & Wyse
Dr: You’re diabetic. Too much sugar and I’ll have to amputate your legs.
Me: *shoving Cinnabon in mouth* Can I get those cool blade ones?
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Hey kids,
Turns out you *will* need math one day because the 15 almonds you’re allowed to snack on aren’t going to count themselves
– adults
Triscuits are great because it reminds us that our gums can get splinters too.
Women who say giving birth is painful, obviously never watched YouTube with a 7 year old.
my nickname in college
I work out with two other gays a few times a week and one of them said this morning “I’m going to a gala where we have to wear caftans á la Mrs. Roper from Threes Company” and I heard our very straight, very young trainer just mumble “I didn’t understand a word of that sentence.”
my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far
today a man told me that he didn’t like my piercings then got mad when i said he looked like a thumb.
Archaeologist: These drawings – could the horn shapes on top of their heads actually be antennas? Are we seeing depictions of aliens?
A zillion years ago: Here kids take this charcoal and go draw on the rocks.
3yo: Ima draw daddy when he gets up in the morning. 𝘨𝘪𝘨𝘨𝘭𝘦
Next time at a public swimming pool just stop, look around & ask yourself: “Is there anyone here that I would want to take a bath with?”
A dating app for angry people- Grumble