Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I Know What You Did Last Summer Because You’re Still Posting Pics, Enough Already, Fiji Was Amazing, I Get It

THERAPIST: you’re always trying to make other people happy. You should focus on doing that for yourself too.

ME:

THERAPIST: ok?

Me: would that make you happy?

When’s dinner?

-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner

911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.

Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.

Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.

detective: dammit *slams fist on table* tell me where he is

me: [confidently] the Fourth of July picnic

detective: but where exactly?

me: *holding where’s waldo book* oh i’m gonna need more time

My mom gave the kids a 1,000 piece puzzle, so tonight, as a family, we will be putting together a list of nursing homes.

I’m tired tomorrow.

When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.

WIFE: you need to stick to your budget

ME: the spatula broke we need a new kitchen

my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today

me: inflation, right?

my grandpa: security cameras

me: *turns around in swivel chair*

*tents fingers*

I guess you never expected to see ME again…

Boss: Must we do this every Monday?

This is Ethel. She is minding her own business. And her neighbor’s business. It’s called multitasking. 13/10

just overheard a conversation

“You’re a tutor, right?”

“Yeah”

“What subjects do you toot?”

please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke please don’t puke

-hearing my dog about to puke

Breath mints make me sneeze. No, I don’t need that one back. I have others. Sorry about your eye.

[at a dance]

HER: why don’t you take the lead

ME [eating fifth pencil]: way ahead of ya

I’m sorry, I refuse to call it Xmas, I’m going to keep calling it Twittermas like before.

Friend: What happened?
15yo me: *arm in a sling* Got hit by 2 buses.

Friend: What happened?
37yo me: *in a full body cast* I sneezed weird.

A client on the phone accidentally said they love me before they hung up

Not gonna lie it felt good

(God creating coyotes)

God: Make them look like dogs.
Angel: Exactly like dogs?
God: But with a meth problem.

Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.

“Endorphins” after working out is a scam, one is simply happy that they are no longer working out

People say I mangle metaphors, but you can’t make an omelet without beating a few dead horses.

911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY

Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.

I went to Lowe’s to buy a human-sized microwave & the guy loudly said they don’t exist & then took me to a back room & they had lots of them

Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virus

Physicist screws up:
Deadly black hole

Geologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor

What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches