I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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Mocking commerce students is all fun and games until you realise you have no financial knowledge and you make arguments like “uBeR hAS a nEt WoRtH oF 100B$”.
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Want to get rid of your boyfriend without killing him?
Send him to the grocery store for water chestnuts.
Mine has been gone 5 months.
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
“Follow me!”
Me: Don’t tell me what to do, ERIC!!!
(Me at an exercise class)
Well, this is awkward
Hubby has an alarm app where you can record your own sounds or music to wake up to. I just changed his to “THE HOUSE IS ON FIRE!!!”
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
Me, leaving my child home alone: Call me if there’s an emergency.
My child, calling me 2 minutes later: Do you know where the Oreos are?
Me: [whacks huge hairy spider with rolled up newspaper] …Got it!
David Attenborough to Producer: Can we get a different camera operator please
Coach: Hi I’m Coach Mike. Let’s all introduce ourselves!
7yo: I’m Coach Tommy
Coach: No wait…
Next kid: Let’s all be coaches!
*the whole team cheers*
Welcome to U8 soccer, Mike.
You know in a video game when you kept pushing b to get through the talking part but later realized you should’ve read it? That’s adulthood.
[Doctor’s Office]
Seal: My flippers are sore.
Killer Whale Doctor: Hmm interesting, swim a little closer into my jaws- I MEAN ONTO THE TABLE
Me: I bought a Twix for us to share.
Wife: Thanks, but you know I don’t like Twix.
Me: *already shoving both pieces into my mouth* Oh no, I forgot.
sorry you tried to win an argument while i was wearing a sundress
Doctor: how do you stay active?
Me: I just jiggle the mouse every 5min
No, I don’t want to say where I got these scratches. On an unrelated note, if you wondered how many squirrels fit in a pillowcase, it’s 9.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
Let the sword wielding plants fight the Boston Dynamics murder robots.
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
Economists trying to explain how inflation is real
Girlfriend mentioned she was lacking iron in her diet.
I gave her all my wrinkled shirts.
And that’s how the fight started.
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching