I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

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To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.


Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?


Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?

Eve: Uh yeah, totally


Me: Ready for school?

7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost


Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.


Sometimes words are just not enough

And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower


Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?

Me: Please face the front