To support all you Movember guys, I’m not shaving my legs this month. To be honest, I probably won’t shave in Mecember or Manuary either.
I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.
Her: Tell me…
Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Me: Ready for school?
7yo: [in only underwear with pants tied around his neck like a scarf & a sock on each hand] Almost
Pro Tip: If you don’t have a mask, wearing a jock strap on your face tends to keep people at least 6 feet away from you.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
Owl: Pretty cool having an owl drive your Uber, huh?
Me: Please face the front
Are all NASCAR fans fat with goatee’s or is that just the women?