I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.

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A gentle reminder that as a duck billed platypus both lays eggs and produces milk, it is unusual in that it could make it’s own custard.


Asking men how many wheels their trucks have and scoffing, regardless of the answer.


People without kids should be happy their brain cells work in a fairly normal manner.

For example, I’ve recently looked for my cellphone under the couch…using the flashlight on my cellphone.


It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.

They become even more annoying.


I once saw a road sign that said, “Slow Down, Small Children at Play” but then it occurred to me that I’m not afraid of small children


ME: I’ve never “opened up to someone” like this before haha

SURGEON: We have literally run out of anesthesia to give you, please be unconscious


PERSONALITY TEST: When you read an obit where someone passes away “surrounded by family,” do you picture murder, or suicide?


Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.


[Buzzfeed for Cats]
-Vacuum cleaner
-The floor
-Nothing. Nothing at all