I’ve been training my family to be future Survivor contestants. If you can find food in my house, you can make it anywhere.
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Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
my recent google searches:
— how to colour your own hair
— how to fix a bad dye job
— Wigs By Tiffani
— hats
— making the most of your time in isolation
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
My neighbor accidentally called me “love” in a text looking for his cat and now we have more reason to never make eye contact again.
If I’m going to pick up something and I ask you, “What would you like?“ and you say “I don’t know, surprise me” I will come back with nothing for you, cuz surprise, you should of made a decision.
So, hey, the restraining order just expired, wanted you to know
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Head Chef: You’re fired.
Me: Is it because when I grate cheese-
Head Chef: Yes it’s because you call it shreddie cheddie.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
Penelope wasn’t really GREAT at hide and seek, but we always appreciated her efforts
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Tree:
Tree Doctor: it’s a Tree house
Tree: oh no
Tree Doctor: you have humans
I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
Say what you want about my short term memory…unless you already have…
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
[at the movies]
me: thank god it’s over
her: I was going to say the same thing haha that’s a relief. I get the dog
Me: *all four burners going, two pots boiling over, oven beeping, being burned by grease splatter*
8yo: Mom!! You’re not even watching my cartwheel!
there’s music for literally every activity
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
NATE (naive): Want to share a pickle with me? Oh wait, I don’t have a knife.
ME (has seen Lady and the Tramp): Don’t even worry, pal.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
Put a ring on it
