Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.

Don’t look at this picture. You will have nothing but questions:

*on hold for over an hour

That guy playing the piano must be exhausted.

tried donating blood as a good citizen and they tasted my hemoglobin and the lady said I must go home and focus on keeping my own self alive 🧍🏽‍♀️

I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.

You talk an awful lot for someone who claims to advocate for peace.

I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me

The first thing I’m going to do when my kids move into homes of their own is machine gun fire toothpaste spit all over the faucet and mirror in the bathroom.

[trapped inside a volcano]

Me:

Toddler:

Me:

Toddler: Be Careful…

Me: *sigh*

Toddler: The floor is lava…

One night a Viking named Rudolph the Red was looking out the window when he said ‘It’s going to rain.’
His wife asked, ‘How do you know?’
He replied, ‘Because Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear

I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.

Dance like no one’s going to press charges.

weaknesses

Puts fitbit on dogs collar. Throws the ball around. Sits on the couch and eat chips. Wins all the challenges

[inventor of frisbee]

“I hate this plate”

My cat that died 3 years ago got a letter saying she needs to register if she wants to vote, showing how well Florida handles elections.

Elsa’s dad forbid her from using her powers specially so no one would be tempted to change the thermostat.

My girlfriend said I never do anything to help so I hid her phone.

I’ll prove her wrong when I find it.

My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.

Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?

March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.

Mom: why aren’t you and your “friend” close anymore?

Me:

A drunk man walks into a bank. He’s holding an uncooked fruit. What does he say?

“This is a raw berry!”

Asked my 10yo where she was going to hide her candy so her sister couldn’t find it, and she said “my mouth” and rolled her eyes because ask a stupid question.

I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.

I never related to movies as a kid. Like in Home Alone when Kevin says to his Mother “I am upstairs you dummy” I couldn’t understand how he was still alive after that.

When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.

That unspoken group dynamic when all your friends are in an Uber on your way to the club and the people in the backseat are lit, dancing and scream talking and the person in the front seat is the group’s PR person and talks to the driver and just keeps saying “I’m sorry for that”

Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.

we went out on a boat to see whales and the crew encouraged us to clap and cheer for the whales and boo at the regular fish