I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
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I just locked eyes with a spider.
But instead of killing him I ran away and hid, so he can spend the night stressing about where I am.
My girlfriend and I met through a dating agency for dolphin impersonators. The minute we met we just clicked
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
i aspire to be the type of grandparent that my grandkids can differentiate from a wolf wearing a nightgown
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
lesbianism is all fun and games until your wife has filled the house with more and more yarn and fabric for her textile crafts
there is another woman in my relationship and her name is Joanne Fabrics
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
If you like 28 tweets of mine in a row, you’re my boyfriend now. I didn’t make this up. I’m just as upset as you are.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
[Sister puts my newborn nephew in my arms]
Me *holds for 30 seconds*: Well, I better get going.
[Kitchen]
*I open the swear jar to discover someone used the last swear yet put the empty jar back in the refrigerator*
ME: {dead air but my mouth is moving}
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
The only reason they’re called “jellyfish” is that ‘discarded grocery bags of death’ was considered “too wordy”.
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
guy at bar: if u have a problem say it to my face
me: [leaning close] my boss called me lazy
No I don’t want to try your cranberry pie, my bladder is fine.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Sometimes, I feel like everything is garbage & I get overwhelmed but then I imagine how I’d feel if I was a raccoon and suddenly, being surrounded by garbage isn’t so bad. In fact, by raccoon standards, being surrounded by garbage is actually great. Life is about perspective.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?