Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State

Angel: how long should dogs live?
God: how about 12 years

Angel: horses?
God: 20

Angel: cats?
God: 15

Angel: sea turtles?
God: ONE HUNDRED FIFTY

Angel: oh no it’s happening again
God: haha, hey ask me about flies

Angel *rubs temples*: …fine
God: like 12 minutes lol

Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?

Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.

*Receives good, solid, sound advice.

*Does exact opposite.

9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?

me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.

When I get off this leash it’s over for you birches
-my dog

When coining nicknames, be sure it reflects how that person has impacted your life. For example, my two sons Buzzkill and Third Mortgage.

Army barbers get paid to shave their privates.

Her: Good morning!

Me: So we are starting off the day with a lie?

The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:

How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed

I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

[first date]

me: are you a reader?

date: omg i love reading

me: [handing her my menu] thank god

If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.

Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster

Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.

To remind myself that I control the list.

I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”

You better watch out

Me: So if I call Canada it’s billed as international?
Phone rep: Yes. Cuz Canada is a country.
Me: You should hear how ridiculous you sound.

CW: What’d you have for breakfast?
Me: A bowl of Oreos.
CW: Lol you mean Cherrios?
Me: No.

Him: I’m leaving you.
Me: [can’t hear him because I’m trying to breakdance in my bubble wrap suit]

Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”

Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?

every youtube essay now is called “the secret, untold history of toothpaste” then proceeds to read off the wikipedia page for toothpaste

Wife: what are you watching?

Me: See II

Wife: don’t you mean Saw II?

Me: not till it’s over

ME: I got us a penguin!

WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??

PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.

ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.

Mom: Why do you have a lighter? Do you smoke?!?

Me: It’s for arson, I swear!

Mom: It’d better be!

SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels

[later]

SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit

I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”

[Restaurant]
Me: I know in your profile it said you were small but I didn[my date falls into her soup]