Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I don’t get the concept of Beach House Hunters. You don’t have to hunt a house. Especially on the beach. It has nowhere to hide

Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

My dream guy is hot, funny and smart. And he’ll ask me to marry him with a green lantern ring. And he has powers. And a castle. And Yoshi.

✌🏽

Mulder: we’re trapped with ghosts in the stomach of a metal worm.
Scully: those are just people, Mulder. We’re on a train.

* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.

* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.

WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here

[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down

i will avenge u mr van gogh

Watching Finding Dory & her parents call her “cupcake.” How do they know what that is?

This movie doesn’t seem very realistic, you guys.

“Hi, my name is Gary and I’m a shopaholic, my favorite place to shop is the alcohol store.”

How come there are no large predators that mimic herbivores? Like something that looks like a cow until it GETS you

Me: I wish I were a bird.

Husband: So you can fly?

Me: No. So I can sh*t on people.

Husband: “If you’re a bird, I’m a bird.”

Me: Take my pic *hands him camera & giggles*

Him: What’s funny?

Me: Nothing.

Him: *presses button, explodes, dies*

Me: Ha! Photo bombed!

Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope

God created the orgasm so women can moan even when they’re happy.

I take it personally when the UPS guy drops off a package for my neighbors but doesn’t bring me one.

11y/o: Thanks for packing my lunch today, but next time…I’m gonna need more chocolate.

Narrator: But there was not more chocolate…In fact, there’s never more chocolate…For, her mother, eats it all.

Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.

Blocked everyone who wouldn’t be invited to my funeral so if you see this, what dish are you bringing to the wake?

I live with my husband, and my 14 y.o. son. I have learned that if I want to hide anything in our house all I need to do is put it behind something else and they’ll never find it.

Don’t pee on my head and tell me it’s raining, buddy!

(In fact please don’t pee on my head and tell me anything, this was just a metaphor but still)

I can’t cook dinner if the can opener is broken, so I drove over it a few times just to make sure.

*fingerpaints your nude portrait using a can of Easy Cheese*

I threw up my hands in disgust last night.

Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.

It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.

16: What flavour yogurt is pilot’s favourite?

I don’t know.

16: Plain.

You’re going to be such a great dad.

“You know how when birds fly in a V formation one side is always longer?”
“Yeah. Why is that?”
“There are more birds on that side.”

My 3yo cried all morning because she doesn’t have a shell on her back like a turtle. She wants a shell on her back. A SHELL! Kids are fun.