Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.

Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”

The ways printers are like kids:

1. Need feeding
2. Are noisy
3. Can’t function when offline

Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.

Mrs. Kowalski left the class mortified, unable to believe just how badly she’d misinterpreted what they had meant by Pole dancing.

Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.

7-year-old: Yeah.

Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?

7: I come here to relax, not work.

me: this is my cousin, carlos

wife: nice to meet you

carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto

me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

My dad is at it again

Maybe money can’t buy Happy but it can probably buy Dopey at a good price.

Me: Don’t spit at your sister!

4: I’m a bunny.

Me: Bunnies don’t spit.

4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.

[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??

You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.

I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.

Gizmodo Article: A Caterpillar With Vomit-Inducing Poison Fur Is Taking Over Virginia.

2020: All right, all right. Forgive me for trying to be creative.

I asked a barista why they were wearing a surgical mask.

they answered: It’s not a surgical mask, it’s a coughy filter

this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy

Therapist: My job is to know you better than you know yourself, Libby

Me: It’s Abby

Therapist: That’s what you think

roses are red
bellflowers creep
i’m in your house
watching you sleep

[Garden Of Eden]

Adam: Is this your first time?

Eve: YES ADAM! Literally, everything I do is my “first time”, for the love of God please stop asking.

‘Pardon my French’ -People who you would never pardon and who don’t know any French

Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Teaching your kids to question everything is important. Until you’re sitting there banging your head on the table.

Teacher “Hi, why are you here?”
Me “Um, isn’t this the beginners’ philosophy class?”
Teacher “Yes and you’re off to a really bad start.”

butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?

Hear me out, a headband that displays your brain activity so I can see when you’re bored of this conversation

From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”

You say tomato. I say tomato. Our eyes meet. We’ve decided on the perfect name for our baby

My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.

I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.

[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”