I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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As my friend Joe’s last wish I had him cremated and sprinkled his ashes into the coffee pots at work..all morning everyone had a cup of Joe
Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.
But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
Hearing deteriorates as we get older. So why with every new year does the sound of someone eating become louder & more annoying?
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
A customer told me they were never coming back….
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
So good at ordering donuts my doctor is ordering me a special pill to take every morning.
The Theory of Relativity: Time moves more slowly when you are with your relatives.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
Some girls look like they’ve barely broken a sweat after hot yoga while I look like a tomato that’s been doused by a fire hose.
Well this pretty much sums up 2020.
My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
I’m so glad this hat comes with instructions
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
A taco bell would actually crack almost immediately so that’s a stupid name
Me: What did you do at preschool?
3-year-old: We had to color inside the lines the WHOLE time.
Me:
3-year-old: I need to lie down.
You sit there and think about what you’ve done
-Me, leaving dishes in the sink to soak overnight
Accurate description of my life right now. My fitness instructor asked me,what type of squat are you accustom to doing?
I said ‘diddly’
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I stole a podium. I’m finally taking a stand.
(Listen, I am very stoned and this is hilarious to me)
My kids are doing things in Minecraft that are likely serial killer warning signs.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.