I’ve been trying to leave Rome for weeks but all their roads have this weird design flaw.
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The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Alcohol is a misunderstood vitamin.
There’s a crying baby on every flight I’m on and it’s always me
making my dog give me my pills
there are no buff wizards in Harry Potter, no gym in Hogwarts, no-one does a push-up at any point. I could crack Ron Weasley’s spine like a glowstick
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
I won’t believe in God until “Thou shalt puffeth, puffeth once more and passeth to your neighbor” becomes a Commandment.
Oh you won a gold medal at the Olympics? My watch just congratulated me for standing up
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
Friend: My husband sets his alarm 30 minutes early so we can cuddle in the morning.
Me: My husband lets me sleep because he values his life.
[art store]
You do free framing?
“With any purchase”
Ok, just this pencil and [slides a gun with wife’s fingerprints] you know what to do
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
Costco: The most expensive place in the world to save money.
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
My kid threatened to hold her breath until I gave her dessert. Now she’s a pearl diver in the Philippines & can afford her own damn dessert.
Awww yeah it’s almost 4:20 you know what that means
(I need to go for a walk NOW bc it’s gonna be dark in 30 minutes)
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
my mom gave me a whistle in case you guys start giving me advice
Dropped ice in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.Dropped a baby in the kitchen?
Kick it under the fridge.
I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner; she said “Surprise me”. So I broke a beer bottle across the counter.
I’m still very hungry.
Met my step goal stirring extra cheese into my Fettuccine Alfredo. Follow me for more exercise tips.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
when unicorns get really drunk
Establish dominance at work by telling your coworkers they look tired before they get a chance to say it to you