I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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I’ve been introducing myself as Jim The Chosen One ever since I was named milk monitor in grade 6.
How do American chickens cross the road? In a bucket.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
Church is the worst book club ever. We’ve been talking about the same book for 2,000 years and most of us still haven’t even read it
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.
Am not being sponsored to say this but if you’re like me and enjoy wearing jean-shorts but dislike the feeling of cold on your lower legs, check out “jeans”. They’re like jean-shorts but longer.
[watching Tangled with my Daughter]
Daughter: dada
Me: yes?
Daughter: do you think Rapunzel buys her shampoo at Costco?
Me: I mean-I do now.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
As a fun surprise I am teaching the neighbor’s cat to operate a motorcycle
[death row]
Guard: Any last words?
Me: [smugly] photosynthesis.
Guard: …
Me: it sounded longer in my head.
“AI is coming for your jobs” I’d like to see AI send 5 emails a day and check their fantasy football lineups on and off for 8 hours
[mustard company office]
*phone rings*
“Yellow”
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Before I check out of a hotel, I like to scrub the toilet, clean the shower, strip the bed, and leave a $700 tip for the maid so it feels like I’m staying in an airbnb
Funny because it’s true. 🤣
[first day as Niagara Falls tour guide]
And to the left you can see [frantically flips through your guide] water.
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
me: [throws bouquet]
florist: are you gonna buy something
“How do you compete in fencing if you don’t have a sword?”
“I just dodge the other guy’s attacks.”
“You’re missing the point.”
“That’s the idea!”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
Oh you’re sick? Let me weirdly list every other person I know who’s sick.
Welcome to parenthood. Bring spare clothing everywhere you go. For the baby, for you, for your spouse, for the cashier at the grocery store, for the person sitting next to you on the plane…
ME: kids, santa’s not real you don’t have to worry that someone’s always observing you
ALEXA: he’s right kids relax
if i were a cab driver, i’d scream “ROAD TRIP” every time i got a passenger