I’ve been trying to open this grocery store produce bag for thirteen years.
Tell my story.
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YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Our dog runs away so much, I’m just going to spray paint our phone number on her side.
Found a mystery grape in my building today. Gonna ask it questions like a crystal ball.
One of the cool things they don’t tell you about your thirties is you can hurt your neck by turning to look at something, which is wild because that is neck’s main job.
I just feel like you shouldn’t be using a selfie stick unless you’re a T-Rex.
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
good cop: we’ve located the explosives
cop who loves eminem: now this looks like a bomb to me so everybody / stay calm for me
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
GUY ABOUT TO MURDER ME: What are you doing
ME: I’m naming you godfather to my kids. Now you get them if anything happens to me
GUY: DAMMIT
*holds in gut when stepping on a scale*
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My husband surprised my kid by picking him up early from school to take him to an amusement park and the kid was mad because he was in the middle of a math worksheet. 😂
Jewish Baristas, or as I like to call them…
He brews.
ME: OMG did I just get a shout-out on the radio?
GETAWAY DRIVER: [turning off police scanner] Kinda
Accidentally cut down a telephone pole for firewood again
Desks that can easily support a few hundred lbs must have some naughty stories to tell the other desks at break time.
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
