I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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The best books are the ones that no matter how many times you burn them or bury them in the woods, they always wind up next to your bed.
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
“Only God can judge me”
People who’ve never been to
Whole Foods.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
my neighbor is outside hosing off her lampshades and I’m both terrified and intrigued
At the aquarium, I hide my hands in my pockets so the Hammerheads don’t see my nails.
Them: What’d you scrape your chin on?
Me: A chiseled jawline with a 5-o’clock shadow.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
If I ever go missing, just follow my kids. They can find me no matter where I try to hide!
I don’t care about Disney lying about my Prince Charming. I’m more pissed about forest creatures and their unwillingness to clean my house.
Wife: “You want to come upstairs?”
Me: “Hell yes!”
Wife: “I was talking to the dog.”
“I want this one, but look at this one, oh, but this one is my FAVORITE!”-
-my kids looking through Christmas catalogs or me driving past multi-million dollar houses
A spider crawled out from under my toaster oven rolling a blueberry. He can have this house. He’s earned it
Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.
Be myself?
BE MYSELF?!?!
You don’t care if I ever get laid again, do you?
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
Dad: My mom warned me that nothing good ever happens after midnight.
Doctor: Sir, do you want to cut your baby’s umbilical cord or not?
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Chocolate: You’re a little emotional.
Ice cream: It’s gonna be okay.
Grilled cheese: I’m here for you.
Whiskey: Everything’s FINE
Tequila: LET’S WATCH THE HALLMARK CHANNEL
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks