I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
hey (with the intention of stealing your hoodie, your heart, and your fries)
Me: I’m an actor
Date: Oh that’s cool!
Me: Have you seen “No Country For Old Men?”
Date: I love that movie!
Me: Yeah it’s awesome. Anyway, haven’t booked any roles yet.
alexander graham bell: i invented the telephone!
his brother, taco: i’m working on some pretty big stuff too
When people write, “your dumb,” maybe it’s not a typo–they just mean stupidity belongs to you. “Here’s your dumb now leave.”
A manager I worked with when I worked in fast food told us.
There was this one kid who didn’t show up for work. He ditched work often, so the manager called around, and couldn’t get anyone to fill in his shift, so she had to fill it for him.
A few hours into his shift, the dude ditching SHOWS UP, with his friends, and orders food from that manager. She fired him on the spot
A guy in line next to me just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
[to the person sitting next to me on my flight] where u headed
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My 4yo said “I’m closing my eyes so I can see better” and I think she has a future in politics
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Me: Damn, there is no better feeling than skin on skin
store employee: Sir, you…you know you know you have to buy that pack of chicken now right?
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
‘Why don’t you come over here and taste these Doritos…’
– Romancing the stoned
You know what sounds good? A cupcake. $4.75? Seems a little steep, but okay.
DoorDash: That’ll be $67.50.
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
What I said:
GET IN THE CAR!What my kids heard:
Pour another bowl of cereal & watch TV.
My kids got to meet a fireman at dinner last night. How and why they got to meet a fireman is not important.
Before coffee:
The sun is stupid. My bed is stupid. These clothes are stupid. People are stupid. Work is stupid…After coffee:
Everything is still stupid, but with more energy
Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
Daniel L. you can do this but you will need many more owls
*speaking to my neighbor whom I haven’t seen in four months
Sorry I broke my pickle ball paddle over your head during the last Purge.
Worst part about getting a phone call is the 12 seconds you can’t use your phone as you wait for it to stop ringing.
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
My boss, Mr Yogurtson, just reprimanded me for not eating yogurt in a meeting