@BettieLoves

I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.

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@tinatbh

All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake

@Cpin42

In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.

@LackOfShame

“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”

– Toddlers

@just1fool

Right? That noise.

~Me pretending that I know what I’m talking about when I get my car serviced

@harriweinreb

my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office

@Michael1979

Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-

Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door

@AhmedAllabidy

Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,

Bubblewrap yourself,

People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap

@cravin4

Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”

@CulturedRuffian

I SCREAM,

YOU SCREAM,

WE ALL SCREAM,

BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO

WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!

@Marlebean

Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink