I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Me: Cute baby, when was she born?
New mother: Yesterday.
Me: *opens coat filled with knock-off watches* Hey kid, I got Rolexes, 50 bucks.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
Whoever designed toddlers really knew what they were doing. I left my 2yo alone for a minute and he completely trashed the room and when I walked in he just looked up at me all wide eyed with his arms out and goes, “What I dooed?”
Me: THE DEVIL KICKED JOHNNYS ASS! HE DONT APPRECIATE THE GOLDEN FIDDLE
Cop: *megaphone* UR SO WRONG- oh sorry chief- LET THE HOSTAGES GO
I told my mom about some advice I gave my nephew and she replied “it’s great you did that, better from you than an adult”
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I haven’t had my coffee yet, so only approach me if you can’t find something high enough to jump off of.
“Our guests often come for a week but stay for months.”
– The cruise industry, putting a positive spin on Covid-19.
In our house the answer to 🎶who let the dogs out?🎶 is always the toddler at 4am when we’re all alseep because she thinks it’s funny
I didn’t marry until my thirties because I wanted to sow some wild oats.
In hindsight, I wish I’d spent some of that time having sex with women instead.
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
stop calling sandwiches sammies you weirdos
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Real quick before I run out and get a gym membership. Anyone like me fluffy before I go to all this trouble?
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
Autocorrect is changing correctly spelled words. I’m starting to think it has a mind of its AUTOCORRECT IS HARMLESS. GO ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS.
them: I like that filter on you
me: [doesn’t have snap but enjoys mounting butterflies directly to my head] th… thanks
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?
Why don’t they make Neapolitan ice cream but with 3 better flavors?
*taking an x-ray of a patient* ok now a silly one
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
Honey, why do these IKEA sofa instructions show a hammer, two allen keys and a divorce lawyer’s office?
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.