All my friends look like a Victoria’s Secret model and I look like a Victoria sponge cake
I’ve been turned down so many times they call me bedspread.
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In relationships, it’s important to pay attention to the little things. My parole officer, for example, hates to be tickled.
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
Right? That noise.
~Me pretending that I know what I’m talking about when I get my car serviced
my doctor just told me I’ll never be able to play the xylophone ever again in his office
Me: Ours was a love divine
I was yours; you were mine
If the stars would realign-
Teacher: This is POTTERY class. Poetry class is next door
Don’t go to a fight with a gun or a knife,
People won’t fight when there’s bubblewrap
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink