Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Governments easing mask restrictions but bad breath still out there knocking people dead

{first time watching golf}
why do these guys hate that egg so much?

Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.

It’s always the last 10-15 peanut butter cups that you end up regretting.

Airlines texting me “we in this together” emails but when my bag was 35kg I was on my own.

Women who always hustle to clean the house before the maid service arrives..

What the hell is wrong with you?!

Hey everyone, power is back after a week of Groundhog Day! I am so happy I don’t know whether to shit or go blind. I don’t have a clue what that means but Grandma used to say it!

Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.

me: do you want more breakfast

6: no im full i have a small tummy

me: ok that’s fine you can-

6: not like you, have a big tummy, huge, it’s so big, not like my small one yours is so giant-

me: I SAID you can go now thanks

me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times

Guy: How many puppies does it take to screw in a lightbulb? Do you know yet?
Me (in a sea of puppies): No, they haven’t done it. Bring more

“hey! so sorry for the delay on this!”
– me praying for the first time in over a decade

BOSS: your productivity has been low

ME: it’s because my favorite employee is leaving the office in a week

BOSS: who?

ME: me

I’m ready to be a father now that I’ve successfully fed a goldfish for a week-he’s so happy, he’s relaxing & floating on his back…wait…

I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.

Hate it when a grand piano falls on me and my head pops out of the wreckage and the keys are my teeth. The experience is simply not for me.

“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.

it must be school picture day

I don’t like to brag, but we just threw my 5-year-old a birthday party and nobody cried.

People that call their kids Randy, is that short for Randolph or Randrew?

All of these people are screaming like they’ve never seen someone revving a chainsaw on a public beach.

dream jobs:

• soup reviewer
• seer who prophesies your doom
• old lady who solves crimes in a little english village
• old lady who COMMITS crimes in a little english village

One day I’m gonna plug my guitar into this elevator and just see what happens

Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!

Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though

WHAT DO WE WANT?
A REALLY FAST CAR TO DRIVE PAST!
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
NNNEYOWWWWWwwwww…

My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.

For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.

Corgis are great when you want a wolf that’s a loaf of bread.

First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.