Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I failed at chemistry in high school…

And finally started dating in college.

My ex texted me today to tell me he has not one, but two dates this week. Anyone else have useless information I don’t care about to confess?

Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.

Why do people say I’m washing my hands ?
Hands literally wash each other without any help 🤔🧐

People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.

Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.

The government says 50 terror plots have been thwarted since NSA surveillance. What a perfectly even, unsuspicious number.

Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.

People pass a joint around like it’s no big deal, but the minute I ask someone to do that with their Subway sandwich, I’m a weirdo.

Me: I’m gonna go outside and stand in the field

Boss: Haha so we can say you’re “outstanding in your field”

Me: No I want to get hit by lightning

My kid woke up early so I did what any parent would do, lovingly prepared him a healthy balanced meal then hid in the bathroom so I could eat my breakfast chocolate in peace

Eventually, everyone in Russia will fall out a window…

I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.

BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?

ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel

As an actual “professional” screenwriter, the sheer ratio of jokes/second here is insane. This is an all-timer no question.

*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?

Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.

Jealousy is a horrible green monster.

Well, a horrible monster in a tight green dress. With big boobs. And an ass to die for.

🙁

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway

[ Dracula opens freezer ]

Her: What are you doing with my tampons?

Dracula: Making popsicles

*having an out of body experience* WEIGH ME NOW

20s: break dances in bar with traffic cone on head

30s: tries to walk in heels without breaking ankle

40s: yawns too hard and breaks rib

Twitter is fun because you can post a pic of pizza and people will get mad at you.

If bowser kidnapped my wife, I would not be saying “wahoo” no matter how fun the jump was

Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti

Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?

Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.