Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?

Arguing about whether to hang toilet paper “over” or “under” is two sides of the same coin, and keeps you in the frame defined for you by capitalism. Wake up and realize that the true working class move is letting it sit on the counter and never hanging it at all

My doctor said I shouldn’t binge drink, so now I just drink all the time.

She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.

I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?

Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.

Me: Hey, wanna feel really old?

Friend: Yeah?

Grandma: Stop telling people to poke me you little shit!

The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.

*puts on sexy underwear and high heels*

*grabs whip*

*flicks whip*

*searches for scissors to extricate whip from hair*

[trying to sleep]

Me: ok, just breathe and relax.

Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED

What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead

I wear lipstick when I go into Walmart so people know I’m not approachable or one of their kind

Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.

Me: *explains math problem*

Tween: I don’t understand.

Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*

A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.

I ordered a high powered magnet (1000+lbs) and I think it may have gotten stuck to the delivery truck.

finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all

I accidentally bought the “Extra Long Super Pads with Wings” this month and I think that’s why I have dry eyes.

Every kiss begins with ‘K’ I whisper quietly to myself as I read his one letter response to my last 7 text messages.

I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.

My 13 y.o. son told me that when he hits 99 pounds, he wants to eat one pound of nachos on his own so he can be 1% nacho.

Me: our son is sleeping with a teddy bear and a stuffed whale

Wife: it’s adorable

Me: BUT THEY ARE FROM COMPLETELY DIFFERENT ECOSYSTEMS

interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired

me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood

The FedEx guy said I look like a sexy pirate. I’m not sure if that’s considered sexual harassment or flirting.

Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.

a house without a chimney should be called a nouse

me: hey big boy

friend: please don’t talk to the Lincoln memorial like that

Based on the things my kid will and won’t eat, my cooking is apparently worse than a stale Fruit Loop covered in dog hair.

From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.