Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I see your annoying @ and raise you a middle finger.

The whole internet loves Milkshake Duck, a lovely duck that drinks milkshakes! *5 seconds later* We regret to inform you the duck is racist

1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos

a kindergarten class was at the library on a field trip along with the normal morning baby/toddler crowd and i looked over to see some kids petting one of the babies on the head like a dog. the teacher was like “that’s not your baby!!! leave that baby alone!!!”

When someone tells me that the best part of their job is getting to talk to people all day, I’m too frightened to ask what the worst part is.

I am a fountain of wisdom for those who thirst for knowledge.

Rebranding demon possession as a cure for loneliness.

I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.

me

Me: [on mars] *opening bag of chips*

My dog: *blasts off from earth*

Not to brag, but a mechanic at this garage says I may have set a record for miles driven without an oil change.

Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.

Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked

If she says “I’m fine” that means she’s fine and you can keep playing Xbox

Asked my 1st grade students the riddle: What has four fingers and a thumb but is not alive? (A glove.) First response: “My Aunt Lydia.”

Me starting a diet:

7am: Egg white veggie omelet

9am: One cookie instead of two

Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”

Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider

“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”

We grew up so poor we could only play duck duck.

“there’s no word that contains all the vowels in order”, I said facetiously

When pets wake me up at 5 am, it’s painful but adorable and I come right to life.

When humans do it, they lose a finger.

Me: One large buttery popcorn please!
Him: Ma’am you have to buy a ticket to get into the movies…
Me: One large buttery popcorn TO GO SIR

Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?

Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!

[baby born with silver spoon in mouth]

Doctor: What the hell?

I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE

buying dead houseplants to save time

If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse

Interviewer: we’re looking for someone responsible

Me: perfect, I was responsible for everything that went wrong at my last job

I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.

You sneeze, and a tiny book titled “A spiders guide to navigating the human brain” shoots out your nose. You faintly hear a spider cussing.