I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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In case you needed to hear it:
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
If you ban teenagers from social media who are our hardworking podcasters going to dm?
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
[Elon Musk sees a homeless guy]
“Oh no, this is terrible. I simply must use my vast wealth to address this problem”
[2 weeks later]
“I have invented sunglasses that make homeless people invisible so that rich people don’t have to see them”
(Someone finally shuts off a car alarm)
Philip Glass: (sticks head out of apartment window above) HEY I WAS LISTENING TO THAT
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
“That is fertilizer” -Vin Scully
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
I didn’t choose the thug life, the thug life chose me; mistakenly as it were because I have the nerves of a guinea pig and puke when I cry.
If you find my upper lip mole sexy, wait till you see the dark spot on my MRI.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Just once, I’d like to have a fully baked idea.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to have pizza.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Considering both Bruce Wayne’s parents died and he used his inheritance to become Batman we should kill other billionaires and see what other cool shit we get
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
I’ve just turned off the news and put on a serial killer documentary to relax.
[christmas day]
God: *opens gift* wow these are cool what are they
Angel: i call them wasps, they’re kinda like bees except they’re really angry, don’t die when they sting and serve no purpose whatsoever
God: they’ll be perfect for earth, thanks Lucifer
giv a man a fish adn he’ll say “wat is this i ordered a mcflurry”
teach a man to fish adn he’ll say “how ar u the manager of this mcdonalds”
I’m starting to think some of these Marvel movies might be made up.
I ate the whole box of slim fast bars. So excited about how skinny I’ll be when I wake up tomorrow.
“Church is like prison for me: they can’t keep me out.”
– Midnight, a church friend
[my last day as a transplant surgeon]
Oh, my bad! I thought you said “kid knees.”
do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit