I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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Not to get political, but gravy is a soup.
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
me: raising kids is the most rewarding thing you’ll ever do
kidnapper: just pay the ransom, I’m not keeping them
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
My baby girl is so polite. I told her she needed to share and she said “No, thank you”
Give me five hundred good reasons you think I’m too demanding.
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
I don’t have a girlfriend but sometimes I like to pretend that I do; I just stand in my room screaming “That’s not what I said!”
Pains me to say it, but I have chapped lips.
Virgo: Sure you can slake your thirst on the blood of your enemies but be careful, their tears have all the electrolytes.
when someone’s guiding me into a parking spot:
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Tried eucalyptus oil in my bath and I don’t know about stress relief, but I think all the koalas will find me irresistible.
I before E except after C…and on Old McDonald’s farm.
My first date was awful. Never eaten them since.
That awkward moment when the
Priest uses YOUR confession as the
theme for his sermon.Again.
My pessimism has never failed me, but I’m sure someday it will.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
A guy on TV opened a bag of chips and my dog came running into the living room thinking it was me so now she’s playing with a ball she found and is acting like that’s what she wanted all along
*catches son swearing through sign language*
“We don’t use that language in this house”
*hands him hand sanitizer*
“You know what to do”
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
Me When I’m Sick: *very careful not to cough around my kids, tries to wipe down the surfaces I touch, don’t share food with them etc*
My Kids When They Are Sick: *sneezes directly into my mouth*
“TURN DOWN FOR WHAT” my ears, fella…my ears.
Welcome to Sarcastic Club
Im sooo happy to see you all
Anyone know the 1st rule?
“Be less sarcastic?”
Ooo lets have this guy teach the class