I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

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me: damnit, i forgot to get my bus fare reimbursed this month
sally: go see gary in HR, he’s pretty flexible
[walks in on gary doing yoga]


Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.


6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking


I’m fearfully awaiting the day my alarm clock becomes self-aware and the snooze button hits me back.


Hey, Facebook. Dead people can’t read your RIP shoutouts, because death.


Guy: I want to be more than friends

Me: like business owners?


Getting pretty tired of Vin Diesel hopping into the passenger seat yelling “PUNCH IT” when I am just trying to eat my lunch alone in my car


Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?

Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…


[first day as a real estate agent]

me: as you can see this is a beautiful house

client: how many floors does it have

me: *scratching head* um a lot I think there’s one in every room


I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.