@Rollinintheseat

I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.

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@SteveSuckington

[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”

-Steve Harvey M.D.

@KenJennings

You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it “Chumbawumba,” right?

@KeetPotato

[optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change

@R_2_PEE_2

[in high school]

me: that’s the guy I like…

friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-

me:

@XplodingUnicorn

5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?

Me: To look pretty.

5: But she’s already pretty.

Me: Aww.

5: Dad, you should wear makeup.

@IamDrainBamaged

I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.

@LMLMadness

My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.

@notittryagain

Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run