[reading test results]
“It looks like you’re gonna be just fine”
[nurse whispers in ear]
“Lol my bad u got like 6 weeks”
-Steve Harvey M.D.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
You guys know Chumbawamba broke up because you kept spelling it “Chumbawumba,” right?
[optimus prime chasing his gf to the front door]
but i can change
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
I’ve been dieting for 2 weeks now and so far I lost 5 Instagram followers.
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
Sometimes I overhear a conversation and want to tell one of them to run