I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
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I did not eat the cake…
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
My son is smart enough to hatch an elaborate plot to get out of going to daycare, but dumb enough to share his scheme with me in exhaustive detail. God bless toddlers.
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me between 2 and 50 times and you’re my 5yo getting out of bed at night.
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
I want to go on the record by saying I love my family but if I have to spend any longer with them you’ll be seeing me on the 6 o’clock news.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
Me: Do you have homework?
11: Do you know that the world is 23.3 trillion dollars in debt?
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
boss caught me photoshopping sir patrick stewart in different wigs so a visit to hr is probably on the horizon
Quote of the Day: “Life is but thought.” – Sara Teasdale
If I show you a picture on my phone and you start scrolling, I’m gonna stab you.
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
7: You sent me in without crazy socks today.
Me: I sent you in with the backwards shirt.
7: But it was Wacky Hair Day!
Me: CAN’T YOU KIDS JUST GO TO SCHOOL
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
Me doing a heist: which one of us is gonna be British
To everyone who received a file from me named myjunk.jpg: I thought I was sending you a photo of my garage sale. I am so, so sorry.
Tiger Woods: cool name, scary place
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
Just saw somebody leaving the dispensary in a U-Haul truck. Leave some for the rest of us, cmon
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
Started sex work and one of my clients came to my house, she complained that it’s too hot. She asked “don’t you have AC?”
I said no… OnlyFans
The FBI’s terrorist hotline is not a place to chat with hot terrorists. I know that now.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
me: i made my first million by the age of 21
her: wow, a million dollars?!
me: no, mistakes
wife and kids are threatening to remove me from the family group chat because my Android is messing it up and now I’m certain that I made the right phone choice
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.