@TheClifBob

I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.

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@BlindChow

“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.

@panmidwest

CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no

@karanbirtinna

Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.

@better_off_dad

14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.

@theshantilly

Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”

@DanMentos

what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
ok
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
“Robin…”
haha I love it
“Hood”
wait

@ProdigyNelson

[bedroom]
Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop