I’ve been using my 4 year old as an alarm clock for the last month. Let me tell you, remarkably consistent.

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“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.


CUSTOMER: [handing me a 20] can I have two 5’s and a 10?

ME: [thinking of the girl who wrote ‘never change’ in my high school yearbook] no


Her: I’m leaving you.

Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?

Her: Yes.

Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.


14: I don’t have a signal.

Me: You kids! When I was your age, we had to stand by the phone, turn this dial-

14: It’s back.

Me: Good talk.


Why put it in my calendar when I can just wait until someone texts me “Where the hell are you?”


what’s your pitch?
“so this guy steals from the rich…”
“and gives to the poor”
nice. what’s his name?
haha I love it


Her: omg don’t stop
Me: what was that?
Her: *sighs* Simon says don’t stop