Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.

“Nope. Nope. Yeah right. Nope. Close! Nah. Nope. Almost! Hahaha, you’re terrible at this.” – piece of popcorn stuck between teeth.

Fun game:

Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours

Kids, eat your vegetables.

*reluctantly, they eat*

[2 hrs later]

*I eavesdrop on their convo*

Daughter: Unionizing will help us bargain.

those guys holding fish in their dating profile pictures are just demonstrating how they’ll carry you over the threshold after marriage.

[walking past my neighbor cleaning up all his yard skeletons the day after halloween] holy fucking shit what happened here

That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.

CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na

No matter how prepared you think you are,

a retractable vacuum cord will always find the weakness in your defense.

If you hear someone yelling “we have macaroni and cheese and bread at the house,” don’t worry that’s just my dad because I just paid $10.16 for a grilled macaroni and cheese sandwich at Panera Bread.

He wasn’t with me, but I’m sure he feels a disturbance in the force.

My toddler asserts dominance by demanding ice cream then just holding it till it melts and I have to clean it up

I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.

People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol

My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge

How much for the soulmate?

Ma’am, that’s a bag of Doritos.

DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.

Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.

Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!

me: how do i tell my wife i want a divorce?

wife: not like this

Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.

My heart say “Yes”
But my mom says “No”

[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese

Puns make me numb but math puns make me number.

Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.

I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies

Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”

I hope I never have to produce an alibi…cause eating salsa in bed with my cat every night would never hold up in court.

Critical people b like: I’m not critical, I can just see faults better.