Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”

help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.

I went on a date in 2003 with a lady who talked exclusively about how great she was, so I started to agree and then add fun facts about the Thundercats. She didn’t notice, but told me I was a great listener and her friends that I didn’t try to kiss her because I’m gay.

I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.

You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.

“You make your own luck!”

– Lucky People

When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow

Me: This spaghetti is spicy.

Aquarium Employee: Did you just bite an electric eel

Me: what are we doing today

Trainer: let work on your forearms.

Me: but I only have 2

T: What?!?

Me: *whispers* I only have 2?

Reporter: Is it true you delivered a pig with TWO heads?!

Farmer: Yes I did

Farmer’s second head: WE did

I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.

What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.

What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.

I saw my Subway artist drinking absinthe in the alley behind the shop. This sandwich gonna be a masterpiece.

Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’

What’s the problem, you said dress however I feel comfortable for meeting your parents and it turns out this SpongeBob SquarePants costume is very comfortable.

Me: I need to go outside and shovel but it’s so cold

My girlfriend: Want me to help?

Me: No I th-

My Girlfriend: Okay

If you are worried about getting a double chin, do not, I repeat do not fold a beach towel in front of the mirror.

*Pops up out of your shower drain.

You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

I bet when the first guy wore glasses everybody was like “Oh la de da, excuse me Mr. I Need TWO Monocles.”

Afghanistan is just a regular ghanistan that’s ghanistan af.

Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.

Once again, I’m sorry that I described your newborn twins as “a bit samey samey”.

Drinking 8 to 12 glasses of water a day is good for you because you spend more time in the bathroom and less time at your job.

A classic example of a cat being a cat.

This reads like the bunny is the First Lady and I can’t stop laughing.

Me: I need to get my shit together

My shit: not today, girl, not today

Everyone talks about selling excess solar to the electric company to pay for their solar panels, but nobody talks about selling excess flatulence to the gas company to pay for their Brussels Sprouts.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”