I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
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I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
The honesty is refreshing
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
*taps Canadian
*mumbles “Apple starts with…”
“Eh?”
*whispers “Your blood type?”
“Eh?”
*mutters “Best grade?”
“Eh?”
*giggles
*runs away
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
[Spelling bee]
“Your word is DEFLECTION”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“Can YOU use it in a sentence?”
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
I hate to brag but I’ve been kicked out of several cults for being too weird.
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
“Robin, I don’t care how much you love that show. We’re not opening the batcave to Storage Wars.”- Batman.
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
6yo: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork medallions.
6: I HATE THOSE!
Me: I’ll give you $1000 if you can tell me what either pork or medallions are.
My girlfriend hates the music I listen to while I drive, but I’ve found the perfect loophole to keep my favorite songs on. You say, “Babe, this one really reminds me of you.”
I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there