I’ve been using the Netflix account of an ex for half a decade. We broke up in 2010 & in 2017 I got a text out of nowhere that said, “Do you watch anything that isn’t about death??” No. No I do not.
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[gameshow]
me: [visibly doing maths on my fingers] “17”
host: [looks at me weird] “that’s wrong”
other contestant: “salmon?”
host: “correct”
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
“It’s never too late to get the beach body you want,” I say, pulling a fresh corpse out of the ocean
I think the real life lesson Darth Vader tries to teach us is having children can ruin your life
Anytime a guy says “that’s what she said” always reply with “yeah, but not to you”.
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
I used to be God’s gift to women but now I’m God’s gift to the clickbait advertising industry.
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
I dated a guy who always kneeled and prayed before sex. I still don’t know if he was scared of what I’d do or thankful. Either way, amen.
Me to 5: Wow, you’re a real…a real pill.
*5 smiles
8: Uh, it’s not a GOOD thing to be called a ‘pill,’ you know.
5: Yes it is. Mommy loves pills.
If u see me talking to myself don’t say nun to me I’m having a staff meeting
To whomever keeps trying to access my Microsoft Office account:
Bro, I don’t even wanna be in there.
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
911: What’s your emergency?
THE BARISTO IS HAVING A STROKE
911: Barista?
IT’S A GUY. BARISTO
911: No, it’s still-
Nm he’s dead now
I just realized that FFS stood for something and wasn’t just a sound people typed out when they were frustrated.
I’ll see myself out.
Me: Where’s the remote?
Toddler: I didn’t eat it!
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
Interviewer: “So why should we hire you?”
Me: “Cause I need a job very badly.”
Interviewer: “So?”
Me: “And you have a vacancy. BINGO”
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.
I’d be safe working at Boeing (I’m not blowing anything these days)
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
My ex sent me a text saying “please delete my number…”
I sent one back saying “who’s this?”