I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
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My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
I just found a quarter in the vending machine, if anyone is looking for a sugar mama.
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
I sent my wife a card that said, “I DON’T LIKE ANY OF THE BABIES YOU’VE MADE.”
Judge: How do you plead?
Me, trying to get on LegalZoom .com: sorry what’s the wifi password here?
Boy are you an automatic faucet? Just a slight hand movement and you’re spraying all over me.
Note to self: do not get drunk and wear jeans that have 6 buttons.
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
“Don’t you dare call my lazy friend lazy”, my friend defending my honour
me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
The guy who cut me off then slammed on his brakes just got pulled over and I wasn’t expecting this level of joy today
It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
*hiding recipes behind back* man I really misunderstood this swap party
[restaurant]
RACCOON (in trench coat): one egg
WAITER: one egg? *suspicious* you’re not from around here, are you?
RACCOON: t-two eggs?
WAITER: ah yes, that’s a normal quantity of eggs
RACCOON: *excitedly* five eggs!
WAITER: *eyes narrow*
They should make a sequel to that movie Clueless with just me trying to find the clitoris.
*Workers at the pinball factory trying to go home, but the automatic swinging doors keep knocking them back inside*
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
What about a Hallmark movie where a country farmer with a heart of gold visits family in the big city and finds cheap lust and superficial thrills in the arms of a steely and powerful businesswoman?
Just told my mom I’m gonna mow the laundry today. Honestly it doesn’t sound like such a bad idea.