Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” oh it’s ok you can just kill me next time

ME: i wish girls would flock to me

GENIE: ok

ME [a pumpkin spice latte]: SON OF A

Gemma Correll

In the event of a tornado, put some weiners in your pocket.

That way the search dogs will find you first.

I’ve always wanted to rewrite history but couldn’t decide on the font..

me: Mother Nature is passive-aggressively reminding us to hydrate

them: why can’t you just say it’s raining

Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.

Schools need to start doing pictures on the first day. It’s the only day I remember to try to make my kids look presentable.

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out

A bird in the… *BLOCKED*
Birds of … *BLOCKED
The early bird catches the wo…*BLOCKED & REPORTED FOR ABUSIVE CONTENT

-worms on Twitter

“Yes, I need to check in.”

“Sir, this is a burn unit.”

“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”

I’d easily survive every Nightmare on Elm Street movie because every time Freddy would come to kill me I’d wake up because I have to pee.

I don’t moan during sex, I prefer to yodel.

I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”

My ex’s were all super hot

I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling

We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.

Just once I’d like to meet a person whose job is to make captchas so I can slap him in the face for making my life difficult.

if anne hathaway doesnt say anne hatharrived every time she walks into a room she’s wasting a great opportunity

venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason

Equally cool alternatives to air guitar:

Air slap bass

Air harmonica

Silent pig auctions

Balloons hitting people

The letter Q

Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*

My printer: Sorry, can’t print this out – I’m very low on magenta ink
Me: But I’m literally printing black text – there’s no red in it
My printer: Feed me magenta or you get nothing

*hears crying*
*finds baby in dumpster*
*sees large box full of N64 games*
*looks around*
“You didn’t see anything, baby.”
*takes box*

Barber: ok that will be $900
Chewbacca: (chewbacca noise)

When my kids are grown, I’m coming over to their house and taking their forks and then scattering them around town.

i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar

That dentist from that parking lot flyer says gnawing down trees is just as good as brushing and flossing. I’m referring all my coworkers.

thinking about my old neighbor that named their WiFi “your arms too short to box with god” and my other neighbor that named their WiFi “super long god boxing arms”

Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.