I’ve been waiting for the perfect time to change my Netflix password so my ex can’t use it anymore and it doesn’t really get much better than a national lockdown
You Might Also Like
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
HR says that we are no longer able to say to anyone “if ignorance is bliss you must be such a happy person” even if we smile as we say it.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
don’t ask what my resolution is. there are 3 days left in this garbage year and i am focusing on being my worst possible self for every minute of them. “exercise more” “eat better” go to hell, im gonna burn down a tgi fridays
nothing makes me want to hold onto the stuff I no longer use more than when my wife tells me she’s putting it in the garage sale
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Sure, I’m uncomfortable, but only in situations
When my pc crashes, I go to the guy with the most action figures in his cubicle for help.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
Interviewer: give me an example of when you’ve been a team player
Me: once my friend wanted to sleep with this girl but she was married
Interviewer: and you?
Me: distracted her husband with an interview
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
What idiot called it Airport Facilities Maintenance and not Hangar Management?
what doesn’t kill me should try again tomorrow
Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
Hesitated so much at the rap battle, the DJ called me Erminem.
Horned lizards can squirt blood out of their eyes when threatened by predators, but my enemies have to be satisfied with my regular tears.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
My 5-year-old got his first paper cut and now he won’t stop talking about his “spicy finger.”
hey you guys, as a reminder, please don’t “save” couches if you find them outside. The mother is probably nearby and she will reject it if it smells like people.
sorry but how is it “unclear” how many horses are loose, kicking about town rn? surely they know how many horses they started with and how many they currently have? seems like a fairly simple subtraction situation to me
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.