I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
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“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
hello secretary? i need you to go to that website where you can combine pokemon and combine mew and squirtle, print it out and bring it here
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
tattoo artist: but what if they change prices?
me: just draw it
[later watching TV]
commercial: the taco bell 5 dollar box is now just 4 bucks!
me: motherf
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
It’s actually only “Frankenstein” if it’s created in the Frankenstein region of France. Otherwise, it’s a sparkling monster.
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
I’m eating a vegan lunch today. Sure, it’s six sleeves of Smarties and a Diet Coke, but I’m still better than you.
#ImNotWorriedCuz I’ve got a license
Olympics, but with real life skills like who can build the tallest pile of trash on top of the can to avoid taking it out
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me: *buys anything at the store*
Wife: Was it on sale?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use a coupon?
Me: Yes.
Wife: Did you use your discount card?
Me: Oops.
Wife: You’ve brought shame on us all.
My aunt showed me a type of lily without leaves called the Naked Lady and I immediately googled “naked lady” expecting to get results about the plant
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*
I literally have no idea what my friends had for lunch today.
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
No one cares about your plans for the weekend more than the person cutting your hair
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.
Me: But aren’t you scared of the Elf on the Shelf? We don’t have to have him come around…
Kid: No! He’s just a stuffy that comes to life and tickles you and watches you all the time, it’s fine.
Cool, but now I’m scared…
me: *doing the hokey pokey, turning myself around*
therapist: ok what was that all about