I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
You Might Also Like
Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence
Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all
If my neighbor doesn’t want to hear my enthusiastic singing, why is she blasting Celine Dion at 2AM
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
New coworker: What brought you to Wyoming?
Me: I met my wife on Twitter and moved here
New CW: how did you get a woman to talk to you on Twitter?
Me: I didn’t say things like that?
When businesses reach out to tell me they miss me, I politely remind them I’m married.
Relationship status: It’s not complicated I’m just an idiot
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
scientist: this machine erases your bad memories instantly. any volunteers?
me: i’ll give it a go
scientist: but you were just here yesterday
me: i’ve made some bad life choices since then
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
I just saw my husband get into the car and drive away to go to work. He was not wearing a shirt. I don’t know if he knows that.
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
Someone called their dog “ugly” and I was not even prepared to fight a stranger today.
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
[job interview]
HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators
No parenting books prepared me for the exhaustion of constantly being excited about the mundane stuff that blows my 4 year old’s mind. Wow, a red pen! Wow, our cat! Wow, a slice of cheese with holes in it!
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
If only the door of my car had a warning light for when it was getting low on takeout napkins.
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
[walks up to guys playing basketball]
“mind if I join?”
you any good?
Hell yeah I’m good. Toss me the orange sphere
we never drank water growing up i don’t even know how im alive right now
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
wiping my hands on my pants before i shaking someone’s hand so they spend the rest of the day wondering what i just touched
Whatchu want me to petit four? Pet it your own gotdamn self.
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
If like me you’ve ever been accused of being born in a barn and want to chat about it, remember, my door is always open.
Tombstones should just say how old the person was. I don’t wanna walk around doing grave math.