I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.![]()
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interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
They’re stuck in your pants?
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i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
I briefly stepped away from social media to get an idea of what else is going on in the world. For instance, I didn’t realize I was still married.
As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
As a child I was bitten by a regular, mildly venomous spider, and I’ve turned into a regular, mildly venomous person. The system works.
when i was in elementary school we learned about a shape called a rhombus & that was the last time i ever heard about that shape ever again
doctor: are u sexually active
me: no i just sort of lay there
Therapist: Do you know what your problem is?
Me: Would I be here if I did? Did you really go to school for this shit?
Believing that you are popular or “famous” on twitter…
…is like believing you are rich because you won a game of Monopoly.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I asked my 6yo “aren’t you gonna help me plant flowers” and she said “oh mommy I would love to do that except that I don’t want to”
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
My dog learned how to text
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My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
{first time watching a live stand-up comedian}
me: (from the back) HAHA OMG U SHOULD TWEET THAT
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
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My eyes are seared by the blood soaked nightmare of the hellscape before me.
The pungent odor of the wretched, tortured souls burns my lungs.
I struggle to breathe…Me, in the DMV waiting room
[death row]
prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?
me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years
Fun tip:
Go to carnivals, scatter nuts and bolts around rides to cut down on wait times.
*thumbs up*
A sick whale is called an unwhale
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.