Maybe there is no baby
I’m starting to suspect my wife’s been stuffing her shirt with an increasingly large series of hams
Now I’m hungry.
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A pig’s orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. So would mine, probably, if I was having sex with something made out of bacon.
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?
Are we Thor yet?– How to annoy an Avenger when you’re on a road trip.
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
14 sent a text asking me to pick her up from school and added “not in your pajamas” so I’m wearing hers because good moms listen
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
A mom sat down next to me at the park, smiled and asked, “Which one’s yours?”
I replied, “None of them… yet.”
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
“I’m going to work.”
“Okay.”
“Will you miss me?”
“Yeah, sure.”
“Gee, don’t sound so heartbroken.”
“NO! PLEASE DON’T LEAVE ME!!”
“Now you’re just being patronizing.”
“What is it you want from me, Sue?”
my phone:
🍎 APPLE PAY: RECURRING TRANSACTION COMPLETE
$15.35me, smiling serenely, closing my phone: “wonder what that’s for :)”
30% of Satan’s workday is responding to accidental summonings caused by predictive typing.
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
* Gets fired *
Well….my job is done here.
I just tried to put my coffee pot in the refrigerator. I obviously slept very well and I’m on the way to a fabulous day.
If coronavirus isn’t about beer then why do they keep talking about cases of it
Taking my daughter to scope out a university today and as she asked me not to embarrass her, I’m going dressed as Legolas.
Son: But I’m not hungry!
Me: I heated that pop tart for 22 seconds! You’re gonna eat!
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables