I’ve been walking around with a fish-eating grin ever since I got an emotional support piranha.
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I’m at a kids fun park and let me just emphasize that the word “fun” is used loosely here.
“So I go east? Then west? Then back east?”
~ Me, drunk and getting directions from the inflatable stick figure in front of a car dealership
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
If you have more than one louse you have lice, just like if you have more than one mouse you have mice… So if you have more than one spouse I guess you’ve got spice.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
My 3yo just realized that when he’s an adult he can drive himself to get donuts and he’s gonna need a minute
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
I was trying to explain how tired I was cause I was up all night scoom drolling and now I don’t think I need to explain any further.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of half a pizza thinking it’s been long enough since I ate the 1st half to consider this a different meal
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
CNN: do u want notifications for breaking news
Me: for really important stuff i guess
CNN: an Iowa woman just ate 37 McRibs
Me: i said impor-
CNN: using chopsticks
Me: she did what
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
My husband keeps insisting we try 69, but I think we should keep the thermostat at 72 degrees this winter.
wow my top song this year was my upset tummy sounding like a car driving on gravel
i dont think any of the wikihow artists have seen a dog in real life
* Psychic Job Fair *
Interviewer: What is your greatest strength?
Me:
Interviewer: You’re hired
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
My pregnant friends put me in charge of their gender reveal party
I can’t wait till they pop the balloon & find out they’re having a kraken
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does
wishing you and yours all the best
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
*screaming at the smoke alarm*
DOES THIS SEEM HELPFUL TO YOU???
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord