I’ve been walking on eggshells at work lately. My employer claims it’s cheaper than installing new carpeting.
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college is weird bc you have to approach some profs like “dr. [redacted] i am begging on my knees for you to excuse my absence on this date like the pitiful worm i am” and others you can just email like “mary this piece of shit skunk won’t get off my porch. i’m staying home”
I have a pair of furry slippers. I call them shoebaccas. My wife says this is why I have no friends.
RIDDLER: how’d you find my hideout?
BATMAN: a little birdie told me *winks*
SMALL BIRD MAN: *lands on his shoulder* please use my full name
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.
Remember when we used to jump out of the swings? Those knees were fresh.. fresh out the box
Me: “I came to Twitter to be creative and express myself.”
Twitter: lol, you said “came”.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
“How about if I put a balloon over it? Would you touch it then?”
-guy who invented condoms
political ads are like “i”m the only one strong enough to stand for what’s right” then they send you an email “they’re kicking my ass, i’m desperate, i’m losing this thing, i need your $5”
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
Hi, famous people getting DUIs. You know you can probably afford a driver, right? Just a thought.
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Took the kids to the beach and I now I need to know if I drive the sand back myself or if someone will come pick it up from me
[Confessional Booth]
Me: My favorite sins are sins of the flesh.
Priest: FAVORITE SINS?!
Me: Why are you yelling? And gluttony, gluttony is a close 2nd.
Yes I will purchase the anti-ageing cream that costs 100’s of dollars because the results on those 20 year old models is just miraculous.
“The Last Voyage of the Demeter” is too long a title. Personally , I would have called it “Bitey Boat”.
GOD: Let’s give her ALL the awesome.
“But what if it’s TOO much awesome?”
GOD: Then we’ll divide it evenly between multiple personalities.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…
I only Googled how to make a bomb so I can be sure I don’t accidentally have bomb making equipment in my house that would get me arrested in a surprise police raid.
Cop: And yet, here we are…
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”
Spring love is in the air!
*sprays repellent*
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
That Gollum game was never going to be great but damn if this isn’t the funniest “alpha footage vs final release” since maybe the first Watch Dogs
If we get locked down again, I might actually be willing to chat with someone about my car’s extended warranty.
Just because I’ve forgiven you doesn’t mean I won’t want to throat punch you the next time I see you.
Thought you should know.
My resignation letter to HR will be delivered via glitter bomb