Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.

They’re calling the Patriot thing “Deflategate?” I was hoping they’d go with “Ball-o-caust.”

Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose

Chris Pratt is my favorite actor whose name sounds like if a rodent fell in the McDonald’s deep fryer

Girl: I want bangs
Me: I want a stylist to get my hair as close to antlers as possible. Make me look like a young prince of the wooded glen

8 year old me: bye dad gonna go meet melissa and throw lawn darts at each other

dad: WAIT

me:

dad: don’t forget to take a jacket

[getting arrested after heist]

Boss: What happened? You were supposed to be on lookout

Me: *flashback to me sending invites on outlook* you’re not gonna believe this

My mama didn’t raise no fool.

Instead I was raised by a pack of idiot wolves.

DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?

“Can I shower with this cast?”

DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?

PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!

“I literally died.” – white girls in heaven.

Hey Dads who think that being home with the kids alone is called “babysitting”. You’re wrong. It’s called “parenting”. Not the same.

*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE

[son on his wedding day] dad what’s the best part of marriage?
[thinking about how there’s always bananas in the house] her smile

Didn’t realize my teen was annoyed with me until she ordered a Coke at lunch even though we’re a Pepsi family.

I had a dream I killed someone, and all I did was panic about being caught…and cry.

Now I know I’d be a terrible murderer.

Louis C.K. perfectly sums up Boston accents in his new special ‘Live At The Comedy Store’

Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]

yes, i’m outside playing, mom!!

me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?

date: i don’t know

me: one is a spider you idiot

“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”

[at Waldo’s trial]

Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?

Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page

Snooki, but without the orange tan and poofy hair. And she’s in charge of North Korea.

Doggies just call it style.

I hate to admit this but our feelings on certain things really do change as we get older. 10 years ago, I would have preferred to get a new video game instead of an engagement ring but now that I’m older, I would prefer to get a domesticated raccoon instead of an engagement ring.

[rap battle]
me: orange grorange schmorange blorange

Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’

I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.

[Phone with Mom]
“Did you just friend request me?”
I’m on fb now
“I’m not adding you”
Fine do your own laundry then
*accepts friend request*

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.