I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
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This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
I broke a lightbulb, smashed artwork, splattered milk from cereal bowls across kitchen walls and knocked over candles.
Fly is dead.
My 5yo believed the classmate who said that a snake struck him in the mouth and knocked out his two front teeth, but she won’t believe me when I tell her that she MIGHT like what I’ve made for dinner.
There’s a 92-year-old winning on Wheel of Fortune. When I’m 92, I’ll be happy if I still remember the letters of the alphabet.
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
Sorry I threw firewood at you and yelled “shoo”, but with the amount of eye liner you wear, you resemble the raccoons that raided my cooler.
Son: DAD! There’s a mobster under my bed!
Me: Aaw, cute. You mean monster?
Son: No
[from under the bed] “Whatcha gonna do ’bout it big guy?”
I wish Kristen from finance would tell us her husband was an “attorney” one more time so I could feel better about shitting in her purse.
I used to feel sorry for people eating lunch by themselves but now I feel sorry for the people eating lunch with other people.
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
Wow! This Child Actress is All Grown Up, and You Won’t Believe How Much She Hates Your Obsession With What She Looks Like Now:
I got fired from my job at the massage parlor.
No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
“Nobody wants to work anymore”
Bro nobody has ever wanted to work
They should develop AI that can translate bird calls.
Call it ChatCheepyT
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
On this day eleven years ago, Greece won Euro 2004.
Today, Greece would be happy with 2004 Euros.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
When I was a kid I thought 40 was really really old and now I’ve discovered I was right.
I’m looking for a very tall gf to reach the cookies, or a very small gf I can lift up to get the cookies.
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
I eat pudding with a fork, so no, crossword puzzles aren’t really my ‘thing’.
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
I’m so forgetful, I swear I’d lose my own head if it wasn’t attached with this black velvet ribbon which you must never, ever, ever touch.
that’s my husband on the left and me on the right
