I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
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agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin
It takes a big man to admit his mistakes. It takes a bigger man to fix them. It takes an enormous man to close down a Chinese buffet. High-5
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
It’s going to be so intense if Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce break up because millions of Swifties who may or may not have a favorite football team will for sure have a LEAST FAVORITE.
Me: Go to bed
5-year-old: One more question
Me: Fine
5: Who would win if Luke Skywalker fought Harry Potter?
Me
5:
Me: Get some coffee
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
If you say the word “Pinterest” near me in a face to face physical human setting, I will kick you in your poo-hole.
Being an adult is like being in a Quentin Tarantino movie. It starts off real cool, there’s a lot of cussing, it’s very confusing, everyone dies.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
Met a man named Drew like 3 days ago. We exchanged numbers. This morning I woke up in a group chat, started by his alleged wife, with 8 other women. It’s been comedy and chaos ever since 😂.
Since the summer Olympics got postponed a year, that means I still have time to master ribbon gymnastics.
“Say ur a bad girl”
I’m a bad girl
“oooh yeah, and tell me what bad girls do…”
ooh i’m gonna sign up for 3 months of yoga and only go twice
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
It still works 🤷🏼♀️
Your Honor, my client argues that juggling chicken nuggets while driving is actually a skill.
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
After spending 20 minutes trying to get my girlfriends bra off, I decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on in the first place..
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Tonight we discovered 9 memorized my phone code and 6 memorized my husband’s code.
They’re working together, we’re in trouble.