I’ve been watching a 3 yr old all day like a hawk and I stepped out the room for 1/1000 of a second and came back and she was dangling from the ceiling fan about to toss a hand grenade
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I tried to get fired from my job but my boss told me it’s not happening and to make her some Dino nuggets and bring her bunny to the table.
What’s the difference between carbon monoxide and spouses?
Carbon monoxide is a silent killer.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Putting on the ‘Best of Owl City’ playlist when I want to kill three and a half minutes.
As an ex-smoker, if I’d known back then just how many balloons I’d be expected to blow up in later years, I’d have thought twice about ever having kids.
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Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.
I’m not gay but I support their “agenda” – working, having a family, living in safety and fair, equal treatment.
Pretty radical shit.
For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.
Reverse psychology – only it’s me swapping chairs when my therapist went to the bathroom.
Worlds greatest photobomb
Someone accused me of being a coke addict and I was like oh my gosh thank you for thinking I have money
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
If I ever got a horse I would name her Grace, just in case I ever fell from her.
I want cake, to get cake I must get dressed, to get dressed I have to get out of bed, to get out of bed I need cake.
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
[cuddling w/ 5 yr old son]
I hope he wants to do this forever
[25 yrs later]
this has lost its charm
Loan officer: And what is the purpose of your loan, Sir?
Me: Whole Foods. I shop at Whole Foods.
*This is my daughter’s favorite joke, she made it up herself*
4: why don’t dinosaurs take a bath?
M: why don’t they?
4: because they’re dead
Balloons are all fun and games til they start to deflate and float around at eye level being terrifying
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
Omg. Why do I always look terrible when I leave the house.
*stays in bed until 4 minutes before I’m supposed to leave*
“You saw nothing.”
-me, to the neighbor kids about the toy I just shoved in the trash
Her: THAT IS NOT A FANCY WATER FOUNTAIN
Me: *pulling my head out of a bidet* what?
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
99 out of 100 Planet F1tness employees don’t give a fuck. You could smoke a brisket in the locker room, they’re just gonna ride out their shift. That one percent tho…
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Forgive me father for I have sinned, last week I hissed at 47 people because I like to pretend I’m a mean cat