Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a new part of my brain aggressively trying to make me completely dedicate my life to becoming an expert on German amusement parks. It’s like “hey dude this stuff might be the most important shit you’ll ever learn” and I’m like christ. You’re probably right

[High school reunion]

Person: “I don’t remember you.”

Me: *starts crying*

Person: “Now I remember you.”

Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.

Not sure why my coworker was so upset. I thought an assortment of breath mints was a gift that would benefit everyone.

On a separate note…does anyone know how to get egg nog out of velour?

Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.

ME: I’ve eaten a lot of spicy food

GF: If u eat too much of it, u lose your sense of taste

ME [watching Adam Sandler] haha he is so funny

“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

[funeral]
ME: I never know what to say at these things.
WIDOW: sorry for your loss.
ME: it’s ok, I’m sure I’ll think of something.

New to Twitter cheat sheet:

AVI – profile pic
TL – timeline
DM – direct message
TC – twitter crush
WTF – everything else

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

I never understood why people complain about camping. What’s not to love about a luxury, air-conditioned cabin fully stocked with food, beer, and WiFi?

*turns off comments*

Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.

Wife: Did you take out the trash?

Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright

Wife: The trash in the kitchen

Me: Oh that…no

Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.

My inexpensive home security system…

Remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them

I’m not enjoying this slow burn apocalypse… I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show

My garden backs on to railways. About 10 years ago the fences were falling down, complained to network rail who did nothing. In the end, the whole bit of our street got together and put up new fence ourselves. 30 feet back into their land. They’ve never noticed.

This is why I don’t delete Facebook

Little Old Lady: i want to put my house on the market

Realtor: ok, where is it?

Little Old Lady: um, right here

Realtor: thats… *sighs* thats a shoe

Little Old Lady: it’s my home

Realtor: do you at least have the other shoe?

Little Old Lady: i cant even afford this one

My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat

Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair

My cat: it’s perfect I love it

My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too

For parents of small children, weekends are about as relaxing as showering with cats.

Based on the musicians who thanked him at the Grammys, I gotta say: I’m not crazy for God’s taste in music.

amazon: your order has been placed

me: great thanks

amazon: your order is being prepared

me: cool

amazon: your order is being put in the truck

me: it’s ok i don’t need an update on every step

amazon: the driver just buckled his seatbelt

In order to catch herpes, u have to think like a herpes

Dress for the job you want to sleep at

Nature’s first bud, spring is in bloom

They should make a drug that recreates the feeling of having your number called earlier than you expected at the DMV.