I’ve been watching a lot of tiktok lately and y’all need to stop marrying people who look just like you do but with a wig on.
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Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
This horse is a great reminder that our generation did not invent shitposting, it merely adapted it to another form
“You block people over politics?” I’ll block people if they say something too mean about a Muppet
Date: You haven’t dated in awhile?
Me: [Wearing Hulk Hands struggling with a burrito] Why do you say that?
Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are
Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Nigella has gone too far this time.
Overheard:
“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”
“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”
My kids teach frat boys how to trash houses.
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
I’m only leaving the house today so my selfies will have new backgrounds.
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Instead of intermittent fasting I’ve been trying intermittent eating and it’s working. I’m rarely hungry. The trick is to eat with dedicated regularity. Can’t believe no one else had it figured out yet.
She said: “I want to have your children.”
.
Me: “They’ll be on the first bus in the morning.”
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Bike for sale
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way
Mechanic [looking other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection
“You think I’m smart, right?”
Not tonight baby, I’m too tired to fight.
Annnd that’s how the fight started.
People will tell you daughters are less gross than sons.
My daughters started a snail zoo. There are snails everywhere.
How many times should you punch the job interviewer to show how tough you are because so far they’re not happy with just the one
Do ducks feel sad?
No, they feel “down”cast.
God: sends you to hell for aborting your ‘child’.
God: killed his only son.
And that, ladies & gentlemen, is religion in a nutshell.
Me: Will you marry me?
Girlfriend: No.
Hot air balloon pilot: It takes me about an hour to land this thing so this is now awkward.
Mom, here’s a picture of my bf, he’s a musician
“That’s just the stock image that comes with the frame”
ur wrong, mom. Me and DJ 8×10 are in love