Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

When your lying in bed and you sneeze upwards towards a moving ceiling fan there’s really no need to take a shower for the rest of the day.

Trust me on this.

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Just got hospitalized due to a peekaboo
accident.

They put me in the ICU.

In honor of the fall equinox I will also be cold, distant & filled with darkness

Yet another “No DMs” bio. All this civil rights progress but bigotry against Dungeon Masters is still tolerated.

My ex got engaged at Christmas but apparently responding to the news with “LOL” is “a representation of everything that is wrong with me.”

in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies

Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter

Want to be successful? Just go buy a home. 6 years ago. With your parents money. It’s not that complicated.

If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.

I like my <plural noun> like I like my <noun>. <adjective>, <adjective>, and <adjective>.

(I am tired today so this is a DIY tweet)

Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?

When you gaze into the abyss sometimes the abyss pats you gently on the hand and says she’s just not that into you.

OP deleted but I saved my stupid joke for posterity anyway

Me: I fear nomadic lifestyles.

Therapist: …I gathered.

Me: [screams]

Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.

I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.

BOUNCER: *checking ID* this doesn’t look like you
CATERPILLAR: *adjusts makeshift wings* its me
B: oh yeah? Fly then
C: uh *starts sweating*

[creation]
GOD: You will each have a flaw
BAT: I am blind
SNAKE: I am deaf
DOG: My breath is a little bad

We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.

Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.

Just gave my next door neighbor a giant bag of candy to dump in my sons trick or treat bucket on Halloween so I can go home after one house.

Fun fact: Through late fees, I alone kept Blockbuster going from 2003-2005.

Jesus: remember disciples, everything the light touches is god’s kingdom
Judas: um, isn’t that from the Lion King?
Jesus: *glares at Judas*

there was an aquarium projector in the MRI today and they had to pause the scan twice to say “please stop moving your head to watch the fish.” i am 31 years old

Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.

Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Coronavirus and Animal Crossing is like that one summer with Pokémon GO but like…..opposite.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.