I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
[frantically putting on Victorian era clothes as I bleed out] must… fit in.. with… other ghosts
The wife says she’s at the end of her rope, I guess I’ll put rope on my shopping list.
My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.
[Arrives at work dressed as a sexy kitty]
Boss: *points to memo on desk* “It says no Halloween costumes”
Me: *slowly pushes memo off desk*
“This soup is fantastic, I’ll have another please.”
Bartender: “Ma’am, that’s a martini”
I don’t think ‘Open Facebook’ was the first step in the scientific method I learned in school
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
stranger: is this snake poisonous?
us: nah fam,
stranger: *picks up snake, gets bitten, starts foaming at the mouth*
us: it’s venomous tho
Hurricane Duran Duran would have only wanted to chase supermodels, wear white suits and write inane lyrics.
I like that he just laid there without moving like I might not notice the cookie he slid over to himself
[to the two wolves inside me]
do you need to go outside and go potty
I like my women to ideally be size 14, but certainly no smaller than size 12.
What can I say, I really loves them big feet.
I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
ME: let’s not fight
DOCTOR: you punched me
ME: you stabbed me
DOCTOR: with a needle
ME: let’s not fight
We have to ban straws to keep them out of the ocean, because a shark with a mouthful of straws can drain a human of blood in seconds.
jokingly asked my coworker why the flag outside our building was at half mast today and he completely seriously said “for James Earl Jones i think?”
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
Britain is so cool, everytime you see a name and ask “are they related to…” the answer is always yes
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
coworker: anyone else smell lasagna?
me excited about my new vape juice: guess what
So I asked my husband to buy 6 potatoes.
Mr. Trump, what will you do as President?
TRUMP: I’ll outlaw shredded cheese and only sell blocks
Why?
TRUMP: To make America grate again
4-year-old: Why am I not in your wedding pictures?
Me: You were born 3 years later.
4: *cries because we didn’t invite her*
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
Airports should have tattoo parlors for those of us with long layovers and poor impulse control
