I’ve been watching ER and was like “wow they never wrap up any storyline. How unique. It must be to reflect how it really feels to be an ER doc, you never know what happens to your patients.” Anyway, just realized 5 eps in Hulu was cutting episodes off 7 minutes early.
Start hating people now, so you don’t have to buy them a Christmas present. Don’t wait until the last minute.
Me: Table for one, please.
Waiter: Would you like to see the men–
Me: YES.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
Hi, I’m a fruit fly that could live here undetected, but, no, I’m gonna fly in this lady’s face til she makes it her mission to destroy me.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose
It’s incredible how fast toddlers move. I had my eyes on my 1yo and looked away for 30 seconds and now I need to pick her up at the airport.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I am going to learn to astral project or I’m going to sleep trying.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: Can you remember life before Amazon?
Husband: Yes. We had more money.
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Someone said I was racist because I misspelled pico de gallo. It’s like they don’t even know I misspell English words also…
Finally got the “Josh Duggar is good” neck tattoo I’ve wanted for years, now let me just read today’s news as I take a large sip of water…
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
They call it a coffin because you’re finally coughing up that inheritance, grandma
Dolly Parton is trending. I will just assume she’s won some Olympic medals and is acting like it’s no big deal.
What’s the best way to dispose of a dead body? Was asking for a friend, but he was being a whiny shit about it, so now I’m asking for me.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
[Casually but methodically making my way through a party until I secure a spot next to the snacks]
Quietly, as if into earpiece: “I’m in.”
When I make my first million, Im switching from 2 ply toilet paper to white bread.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
