I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
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I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
First day as a 911 operator:
“whoa, whoa, stop yelling. You called ME, remember?”
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Zimbabweans have dismissed Mugabe rumour saying
“Mugabe cannot have a heart attack. He doesnt have a heart.”
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
when a toddler tells a story
Her: Put your finger on it!
Me: Like this?
Her: Oh yeah, I can finish now!
-Making the perfect bow
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
Most fashion shows these days…
Etsy is cool. One time I bought a ghost
Some BODY once told me
Your plums
were in the icebox
Forgive me
for this breakfast disgraceI was looking kinda dumb
with a plate
all full of plums
so sweet
so cold
and stuffed in my face
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Remember kids, those light up sneakers won’t seem so cool when wolves are chasing you through the woods at night.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
[presidents 2km race – finish line]
OBAMA (checks stopwatch): just under 10 mins, did I beat the record?
CLINTON: no, Bush did 9:11
Ordered food and they got it right but labeled everything wrong. It’s like Russian roulette but if you lose, you still get a cheeseburger.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
Man: I’d like to buy a fur coat please
Clerk: Sorry sir, this is a pet store
Man: I’d like to buy 200 gerbils please
Her: Awww. Can I hold your baby?
Me: Of course. Here you go.[later]
Her: Can I see your phone?
Me: *eyes narrowed* Are you insane?
If you turn the ceiling fan on high enough, you don’t have to sweep.
What do people who drive 20 mph slower in the rain want from us
I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
💻🤡
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.