I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
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He asked me to do something freaky in the bedroom so I stayed awake for two days
The doctor said to spread my legs wider for the exam. Going to the optometrist is kind of fun.
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
The manual for my motorized wheelchair says “Do not operate while tired. ” I haven’t moved in six years.
Confession: I’ve said “Can’t wait!” about things I actually could wait for.
Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.
Because communication is key.
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Person: I really DO want your honest advice
Me: NO you don’t
P: I DO
Me: I’m your friend. What I think doesn’t matter. He’s your husband. Sit down like 2 grown ass adults & have a conversation. Tell HIM not me & y’all work it out
P: *pause* Um, what’s your less honest advice?
Grasping the ungraspable with Gorilla Glue. Now it’s mine. Forever. Oh.
There’s no time like the present. Or later. Later on is pretty similar, actually.
My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?
Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.
I help my husband move furniture by saying “Oh my goodness, you are so strong” and “a little more to the left” and “so so strong” and “you know what, I liked it better the downstairs”
Welcome to your 40’s. You now choose restaurants based on how much back support their seating offers
Ex-Girlfriend: I heard you & your new girlfriend are having problems… Well, you’ve always got my number.
Me: Yes, is it still 666?
Assume that everyone, no matter what the situation, is doing improv theatre for your amusement.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
millennials had years of computer classes where it was drilled into us “THE INTERNET IS FOREVER” and “DON’T OPEN SPAM EMAILS” and “CITE YOUR SOURCES” and then boomers were given internet access like tossing keys to a drunk and telling them to have fun.
Russian roulette, except it’s me sneezing three times in a row while driving
College was the most expensive video-streaming service in last 2 years
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
I gave this homeless guy $5 and an old lady behind me told me he’s just going to use it for drugs, so I confronted him and asked where I could also get drugs for $5