I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
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The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.
[helping son prepare for first date]
“what if she doesn’t like it”
*stuffing handkerchiefs up son’s sleeve* be confident in your magic, son
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can’t even get into my own pants.
Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
No, Karen ….
Gold, Frankincense and Myrrh
is NOT a Jewish law firm.
The human body is 75% water so we’re, basically, just lettuce with anxiety.
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
[washing my hands in the blood of my enemies] *counting to 20 in my head*
Sometimes I think about when a woman told me I did it the easy way having twins and I didn’t kick her in the crotch.
Me: Cook it al dente.
Waiter: This is Red Lobster.
Somebody’s lying.
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
me: let’s do the sexy time!
wife: did you get your chores done?
me: *kicking dirt* no I still need to vacuum
The bartender said I could have a free drink if I stopped saying “that’s what she said” so I said “challenge accepted” and she replied “let’s see how long you keep this up”…and then I paid for my next drink
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
The way this guy who wants today’s newspaper is low-key gonna find the guy in the branch who currently has today’s newspaper even if he has to search every gas station, residence, warehouse, farmhouse, henhouse, outhouse and doghouse to do it
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
God: you can breathe underwater!
Fish: nice.
God: also eat and drink underwater.
Fish: so where do I go to the bathroom?
God:
Fish: just on the land or something?
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
This meeting could have been a cake
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
I finally got my 11yo interested in a sport, and all it took was hiring a pretty 16yo girl to coach him.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
You miss one dog birthday and he’s acting like I’ve missed the last 7!