I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
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they should make stand up horror. i’m tired of laughing, i wanna scream at a bar
EARTH: hey there buddy why so sad?
ME: climate change is ravaging human existence with endless waves of disaster
EARTH: great just checking
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
My father one time told me to go apologize to the neighbor for being mouthy so I went and told her my father says he’s sorry.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
If men could get pregnant, not only would abortions be legal, I think McDonald’s would be doing it.
The kids are asking for fun shaped sandwiches for their back-to-school lunches and I’m so flattered they’ve mistaken me for the kind of mother who would do that
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.
Sunday night: Super Bowl party!
Monday morning: Toilet Bowl party!
This is my bus stop.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Look, I’m just saying it might be financially viable to use rice cakes instead of spray foam insulation
Me: oh yeah, obviously I want to keep it casual, too
Also me, a year after it ends: *crying to a David Gray song in my car*
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
in canada if you pat your pockets to show a hobo that you have no change and he hears your keys jingle, you have to give him your house.
My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder
So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now
If I were a cop, I’d focus on the people going the speed limit. They’re the ones with something to hide.
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car
I think we should let the Just Stop Oil girl out of prison to attend her brother’s wedding, but then stage a protest and block the roads.
What idiot called them haunted houses and not bad manors?
Guys, I need help with a good recipe that will make my guests never come visit again.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
Good Morning.
