I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping, and the other third making viral videos.
Oh you love hot sauce? Cool I get heartburn from brushing my teeth
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
cause of death:
autopsy.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
If someone asks what you do for a living and you reply “I’m a lunatic” they won’t ask any more questions.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
The human body is a vehicle transporting food from the refrigerator to the toilet.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Innocent until proven guilty? Well, guess I won’t show up to court
I forgot to pack my perfume, but happened upon some air freshener. Judging by the compliments I’ve gotten, I’m wearing Air Wick from now on.
5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
I tried getting my ducks in a row but 2 can’t swim, 3 have bad attitudes, and 1 could not pass a field sobriety test if his life depended on it.
#gardening
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.
In banana years, I am bread.
Can’t believe spirit halloween sells this
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever
Don’t you just hate it when you’re in the middle of crafting a great tweet but then you get rudely interrupted and lose your train of thought?
Passenger in car: OMG WATCH OUT
Didn’t make an insurance claim after a car accident because my dashcam footage recorded me singing Summer of 69 really badly when the collision happened.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
Before therapy: I hate people
After therapy: I hate therapists
Me: “God! I hate people!”
God: “Yeah, me too.”
💀💀💀💀
me: what does that cloud look like to you?
her: please just open the parachute