I’ve been “watching my weight” and, rest assured, it’s still there.
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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
Did you know you can replace Sweet Child O Mine with Sweet Glass O Wine and it makes for an even better song
No matter how bad a day I’m having at work at least there’s no point during which I have to run 1 mile for a grade right after eating then change back into my clothes and resume work.
Seriously, how sexy was Freud’s mom?
#Caturday
say hello: the new iphone will be able to make phone calls
The term domestic housewife implies that there is a feral housewife and now I have a new life goal.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
Sometimes my views are right wing, sometimes left, it just depends where I’m sat on the airplane.
*trips over an ice cube dropped on the floor*
Me: This is JUST like the Titanic!!
At Walmart checkout other day:Cashier: “you have a dog?” Scanning dog food.Hubz: No, our kid needs the protein.
A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
Maybe I’m old fashioned, but I just want a girl who gets at least 100 likes on every selfie.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
My husband pissed me off so when he wasn’t looking I poured water on the floor in front of the dishwasher. He’s been fixing it for the past 2 hours.
What if all those PhDs stop just defending and actually start attacking?!?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
My 3 year old asked how long he had to wait until he could stop listening to me. I told him he had to listen to me for the rest of his life. He looked me dead in the eyes and said, “I’ll listen to you for the rest of YOUR life.” Toddlers are cold-blooded, man.
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Me: “Another day, another dollar.”
My boss: “Please don’t discuss your salary in front of co-workers.”
BOSS: How’s the project going?
ME: It’s going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won’t be done in time?
ME: I’m not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won’t be done in time.
My daughter likes to give me her failed artwork, claiming it was made with all her love just for me. Then she grabs a new piece of paper to make her drawing better and keeps that for herself. Well played, little one. Well played.
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.