Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.

Calling me stupid is uncool unless you are my parents. They earned it.

Imagine asking me, “What that mouth do?”
And I say, “Come and find out .”
Now it’s the third hour of you listening to me talk nonstop about bees

This Venn guy was sure bad at drawing circles next to each other

Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….

Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.

I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.

Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :

(Over the Ouija board)
-Wheeere have you plaaaced your hoodiees..

Cowboys would still be alive today if they hadn’t shot all of their spare bullets in the air after winning one gunfight.

me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS

wife: quit blasphlegming

Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.

If this paper cut is any indication of my pain threshold, then child birth would definitely kill me.

[struggling to get out of a hammock] come here and say that

my first day as a raccoon

Witch 1: *crying* the doctor said I can’t have kids

Witch 2: oh no, why?

Witch 1: I need to watch my cholesterol

My favorite part of yard work is running over a toy with the lawnmower and watching it shoot across the yard. Never gets old

Check out this image, then fill in the blank:
“All these two cared about was ____________”

Finish the sentence here:

📷: elevasseur

When I’m out with my kids and I see an x-boyfriend I like to scare him by saying “Don’t make eye contact with daddy.”

*drops some peanut butter on the table*(stares at it)

Husband: You’re not going to eat that, are you?

Me: NO! *eats it*

Things I have in common with an avocado:

-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.

4: Mommy I’m sorry but you’re going to need to shower alone.

Me: Oh darn.

*30 seconds later*

4: I felt bad for you so I’ll sit right here while you shower

Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST

The difference between your husband and your Netflix account is, over time, your Netflix account learns what you like.

dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!

Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday

Dad: internet people aren’t real friends

Me: *to dm room* he says thanks

Parish Council to all moorside residents –

Once again: the nightly screams beyond the high cottages are foxes. They aren’t the result of werewolf activity. Stop spreading this silly idea. This is 2020. You should all know werewolves prefer to strike before their prey screams.

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

Boss: You were napping

Me: No I wasn’t

Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face

Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*

When he was very, very young the Greek philosopher was a mere Aristoddler.