I’ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don’t know karate.
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y’all made fun of plankton on spongebob for dating a computer and look at y’all now 💀
My online boyfriend loves me so much that once I put my money in his PayPal account he is coming to visit me.
Surprised Scarlett Johansson didn’t leg sweep Travolta, throw him over her should onto his back and put her foot on his throat.
I’m a go getter.
I don’t let other people ruin my day.
I ruin my day my damn self
My husband just left town for a work trip. I didn’t want him to miss out on anything so I made him a mixtape of the kids whining.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
[concert]
SINGER: How’s everyone feeling tonight???
ME: Whooo, kind of stressed, I’m in standoff with my HOA regarding lawn ornamentation!!!
Adding osaur to the end of a word doesn’t make it work appropriate according to this cuntosaur reporting me to HR.
The last time I had sex, there was a dinosaur in the cave with us.
[i rear-end a guy and he steps out with a baseball bat]
ME: i’m sor-
HIM: *tosses me a glove* wanna play ball until the tow truck arrives?
Just heard a lady yell at her kid “Put the god damn present for your god damn father in the cart!”
Happy, happy holidays.
tattoos are a great convo starter. So as an introvert I kinda regret getting them
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Me: Who called you guys “Samsung security personnel” instead of “Guardians of the Galaxy?”
Raccoons (that I dressed as security guards): *bite me*
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
[inventing the turtle] put the worst dinosaur in an army helmet
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
What?
Picnic ruined by underwhelming potato salad (and Fire ants).
In Harry Potter, a scar on your forehead means you’re a hero. In real life, a scar on your forehead means you got drunk & lack coordination.
*gets on 1 knee*
Jenny…
“OMG”
*places hand on heart and starts crying*
“This is great!”
*gets on 2nd knee*
I’m having a heart attack
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
A hot guy at my job asked me if I had any plans and I told him 15 because I thought he said plants