I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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Him: let’s play a game of rhyme. I’ll go first. Romantic
Me: Panic
Him: Fun
Me: Run
Him: love
Me: shove
Him: this isn’t going well.
Me: hell
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Robin: Well, I’m a terrible fighter. I get held hostage hella easy. I say “holy” literally about anything that happens
Batman: You’re hired
Date: Your profile said you wanted someone to attend a wedding with you.
Me: Yup!
Date: This wasn’t what I had in mind.
Officiant: Do you take this man?
Me: I do!
When I eat a banana it’s not sexual. It’s in memory of my dead husband, who was killed in a terrible innuendo accident
I’m going to let this happen but in no scenario do I see it ending well.
-me sharing my fries
I argued otherwise, but the shoe inserts ended up improving my posture, so I stand corrected.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
My husband said the doctor told him I can suck out his kidney stone. After 3 days of trying, I think he lied to me.
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
I have a time phobia.
*looks at watch, panics
*looks at clock, panics
*looks at thyme “This I can handle.”
Wife: Let’s watch Netflix.
Me: Ok. [starts movie]
Wife: [sleeping]
Me [pausing]: OMG we are two seconds into it.
Wife: What?
Me: You’re sleeping.
Wife: I’m not sleeping. Press Play.
Me: [presses Play]
Wife: [sleeping]
Saw the optometrist and he said he’s going to have to increase my prescription because my eye muscles have gotten weaker. I think he can tell I’ve been skipping eye day when I go to the gym.
So why is it that when Star Trek ‘boldly go where no one has gone before’ they always find someone there?
Just saw an ad for a local psychic fair. I’m not planning to go, but I guess they already know that
Sea Turtle: humans keep trying to touch me while I’m swimming.
God: it could be worse.
Sea Turtle: how?
God: tell him crab.
Crab: my legs are delicious.
God: [nods] his legs are delicious.
Overweight people know they’re overweight, tall people know they’re tall, why is it that stupid people don’t know what they are?
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
Friends are like snowflakes.
If you pee on them they disappear.
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
In rest homes, when lovers have spats, do they key each other’s walkers???
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
how it started vs how it ended
put on a suit for a job interview this morning and neighbors wished me good luck in court, wtf
*raises visor on knight helmet* Define “silly purchases,” Cheryl
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.