I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
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Why isn’t a menu board at a coffee house called JavaScript?
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
I feel like something is missing from my life and I don’t know if it’s a person, a puppy, or just a burrito.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
[sexy librarian removes glasses] nice [removes hair] what [takes off wooden arm] NO [rolls glass eye across counter] um, just this book ok
Teens, you should not being getting drunk. You’re annoying enough as it is
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
Server: Congratulations, ma’am
Wife: *confused* Er, thank you. Why?
S: Your husband said you’re eating for two
M: Oh she’s not pregnant
W: I despise you
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Let’s continue this argument later on when I’m alone in the shower and you’re not there to defend yourself
you’ve never seen climate change and peppa pig in the same room have you.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Hi, I’d like a salamus sandwich, please.
“You mean salami?”
No, just a single salamus.
“Um ok, anything else on that?”
Yes, one pepperonus.
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
*signing divorce papers*
Client, “Thank God that’s over.”
Me, “Yes, divorce is stressful.”
Client, “No. The process was fine. I’m just glad the marriage is over.”
Me, “I’m glad you aren’t crying. Here’s your bill.”
Client *bursts into tears*
Him You’re the reason I’m up at night
Me: Awww
Him: Please stop calling me at 2am
Just been diagnosed with a chronic fear of giants.
Feefiphobia.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
Her: Describe your ideal date.
Me: I’d order an extra large pizza.
Her: Interesting. What would I be wearing?
Me: Oh, you’d be there, too?
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
How did Kim Kardashian get her hands on Liberace’s bath robe? #GrammysRedCarpet