I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
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I like to sneak a donut into the salad bar so everyone will ask, “WAIT, THERE’S DONUTS?” and I say, “Sorry, last one!” and then eat it.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
“I wondered if I could use a study room that’s private and out of the line of sight where nobody can see or hear what I’m doing in there.”
“Well, since you put it that way, absolutely not.”
Can someone Venmo me $74,000?
I’ll take you camping.
My favorite part of Twisters was the throughline about the storm chasers being altruistic, ditching science to help people, like for instance telling them to go the opposite direction of the tornado, or find shelter, or “get down.” Where would these Oklahomans be without them
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
Barista: I have a latte for *3 second long screeching noise*
Velociraptor: Actually it’s *4 second long screeching noise* but close enough
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
I remember being a kid & excited whenever the doorbell would ring. Now when it rings, I drop to the floor & don’t move like its a bank heist
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
just found myself walking around inspecting things in my front yard with my hands clasped gently behind my back, so my transition into my grandfather is nearly complete
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
I think I was like 19 years old before I realized pirates had English accents
[house party]
ME: Hey, can I get you a glass of wine?…a beer?…vodka?
HER: Do you have anything nonalcoholic?
ME: Uh…do you mean like a joint?
If you think Mayweather vs. McGregor is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just paid $100 to watch it.
I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
my 19 yr old daughter suspects the 22 yr old boyfriend of her friend who is also 19 is dating someone younger so he has someone to provide end of life care because he’s so old and I just can’t
My kid told his preschool teacher that we have a dog (we don’t) and that our dogs name is barf (?) so no, I don’t trust anything out of a toddler’s mouth
I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
“jogging gives me endorphins”
so does shoplifting. jogging does not give you free mascara.
Me: It’s just a piece of paper, it won’t change anything between us.
Him: It’s a police report.
I’m in New Orleans for the weekend. It must be tough to be a drunk in this city, I’ve yet to encounter a level sidewalk
why do chefs always have to cut everything so fast. It’s just an onion man why don’t you relax
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
modern skincare be like “the best way to have good skin is to destroy the skin you already have. here put some acid on it, burn that shit right off”
Just tell me how many calories are in the entire package and save me the trouble of doing all the multiplication.