I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
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Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
Spice up your confession by changing ‘Father’ to ‘Daddy’
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Some dude just called me an idiot for not agreeing with him. What he doesn’t know is I’ve been calling myself that since we started talking.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
I hated muffins until I was 17 & saw someone remove the wrapper on the bottom of a muffin before eating one. Prior to this, I thought it was just part of the muffin eating experience & would angrily eat muffin wrappers because… I just thought that I had to.
Money can’t buy you love, but it can buy you toilet paper.
Which is basically the same thing.
Whenever u feel like ur not being productive, take a nap. You’ll wake up groggy & angry & have forgotten abt the whole “productivity” thing
Q: What isn’t yours after you lick it?
A: Envelope
My daughter asked me if I’d be very upset if she didn’t live with me when she’s a grownup so I told her I’d try my best once I stopped laughing
Can we please stop with the travel hack of booking seats on the aisle and window in the hope of having a spare seat in between? As a solo traveller who has now been stuck in between these travel hackers it sucks. Talking over me, passing snacks over me etc. Just sit together.
Cop: have you been drinking tonight?
Me: no sir
Cop: *rips off mask to reveal my mother* well you need to stay hydrated
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Have you ever stopped & thought about how there are hundreds of millions of really nice suits just buried underground?
well well well if it isn’t the bridge I said i’d cross when I came to it
When I lose my keys people tell me to retrace my steps but they really should just say go check in the refrigerator.
Took a personality test and the results just said “uh-oh”
paycheck hit i’m at michaels arts and crafts supply store telling them to bring out Michael
universe: you deserve a break
me: wow thanks
universe: *winks*
me: *tumbles down the stairs*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Jealous that my phone can just die for a little while
“You drive me to drink!”
-I shout at my taxi driver.
just had a really bad argument with some guy I invented in my head