Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Roses are red
Violets are blue

I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha

GOVERNMENT: groups of more than 2 people are banned

HUMAN CENTIPEDE: oh no

*pulls United States of America cartridge out of the Nintendo and blows on it*

Time traveler me to 10-year-old me: You know Charles from Charles in Charge? One day he will block you from contacting him.

Little me: Wow. Does that mean I’ll be famous or crazy?

Future me: Both and neither. We’re all as famous as he is and a little bit crazy in the future.

Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.

Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.

Today a kindergartener asked me if he could ask me a question and I said “sure” and then he did a somersault.

*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco

I eat salads because you can’t just drink ranch dressing

Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.

*1st dinner date*

Me: waiter, can I get the bill-

Her: I love sophisticated guys

Me: I mean *coughs* waiter can I get the… william?

wife: I’m throwing out the broken vacuum, it just sits there collecting dust

me: isn’t that– are you sure it’s broken?

My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child

Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me

Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”

Ghost a one-night stand by dying in their apartment.

I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.

HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet

Active voice: I loved your book

Passive voice: Your book was loved

Passive-aggressive voice: I love how you felt the need to write a book

I had to have stupid emergency laser eye surgery today and I never thought my eyes would be the first to betray me but they’ve seen some shit at this point so I guess it makes sense.

[humane society]
Me: Hi, I’d like one medium sized dog please.
Vet: That’s not—
Me: Oops, I’m sorry. One “grande” dog please.

I stopped yelling at my kids when they piss me off
and started taking bites of their sandwiches instead.

12yo is going to school with JUST crusts today.

god: now to create a universe for man, my most beloved creation

lucifer: what if u make like 99.999% of it kill them instantly

god: lol ok

Hey man, just wanted to reach out and say I loved how much you drank at my wedding last night

Me: preparing dinner
Her: why did you just say that?
Me: *sorry, I forgot to include the asterisk*
Her: Hello?

Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.

You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?

Why did they call them army chefs and not the mealitary?

Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.