Listen buddy, I never said they were for sale. I just put the “FRESH EGGS” sign in my yard to brag
I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.
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Okay, wait a second. I pee, I do my belt, THEN I wash my hands. I don’t know about you but I’ve never, ever washed my belt.
Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
Since Walking Dead isn’t on I’ve hid pot from my stoner friends. As they amble around looking for it I’m shooting them with paint ball guns.
[special ops briefing]
Leader: We’re going in deep & hard in the middle of the night
Me: I bet you say that to all the boys
L: Get out
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Hey boy, are you a fitted sheet? Because you’re complicated as hell and hard to manage, but I definitely want you on this mattress.
A flock of dads is called a grill.
I think the guy in front of me is trying to resolve the world’s economic issues single handedly at this ATM.
You’re only as smart as the dumbest thing you’ve ever said on the Internet.