I’ve been working on a new type of martial arts that involves the taking of money from Hispanics.


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Ugh I hate the bathroom at this mall. There’s not a single urinal. Just a bunch of women screaming.


I cannot believe all of these people are out!

-Me when I’m out


Those traps inside ancient temples still work after thousands of years but you sit on your ear buds ONE time…


Him: How many pairs of shoes do you have?
Me: 12
Him: That includes flip-flops, boots, and the ones you never wear.
Me: 118


Sleep is basically free drugs, so people who think you need less sleep are narcs


If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.


My 4yo daughter happily announced that it was “murder season” today, and it took a solid 10 minutes to realize she meant crape myrtle, not murder.


Can you just bear with me for a moment? *grabs salmon out of stream. bites head off. hibernates.*


{the invention of maple syrup}

So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?