After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.
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Hey! This isn’t my car!
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
After all these years I still know how to make my husband moan loudly, I just ask him to do a chore around the house.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Someone told me I was “good people” and I replied “OMG you can hear them too?”
We told Grandpa that we were worried about him being quarantined alone with his bad hip and failing eyesight, but he told us not to worry because he’d gotten himself a dog.
*Job Position: Astrologer*
Interviewer: Tell me about myself
Having a kitten around is great, because I was definitely missing being randomly assaulted by five pounds of panicky barbed wire as silent as a shadow in my life.
3-year-old: Can the baby come out to play?
Pregnant wife: No, honey. She’s not ready yet.
3-year-old:
Wife:
3-year-old: Babies are lazy.
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
I’ve fallen in love on Twitter and I think the 7 of us will be very happy together
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
That moment you realize “The Beatles” is a pun.
Me: Eat over your plate.
8-year-old: I am.
Me: Then why did your food fall on the floor?
8: Gravity.
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
8yo played some songs for me on the recorder, and I clapped enthusiastically when she was done, but then she glared at me because it was just the intermission and all I’m saying is thank god this venue has wine.
Everyone needs a plan B?
I’m already on plan M
While removing a cat hair from my phone screen I accidentally closed three windows, downloaded two apps, made an unwanted Amazon purchase, and texted my boss a Chuck Norris meme.
“we want grandkids” best i can do is graphic design
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
what’s the medical term for a female-to-male gender reassignment surgery? an addadictomy
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt