I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
*valentine’s night*
Me: I got you a new pair of shoes
Her: *crying* I sold my feet to buy you these earrings!
Me: *also begins to cry* I can’t hear you
My ex girlfriend has a tattoo of a shell on her inner thigh. If you put your ear to it you can smell the ocean.
This guy in CVS was FaceTime with his girl and she trying to direct him on what pads to get. He was so lost. I heard what she asked for and put it in the phone camera and she says “thank you girl” without even seeing my face 😂😂😂😂😂
every time i drink milk i remember my roommate who used to put powdered milk in his milk so he could drink “more milk per milk”
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
It has come to my attention that I was mistaken in my adamant assertion that Mountain Dew is in fact “morning dew collected from the sides of mountains.” I will not be paying you the one million dollars on our bet as I have no money. Sincere regards,
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Officer there’s nothing in my trun.. [hundreds of dead tamagotchis fall out. The younger cop vomits]
Stork: I have a baby.
Pigeon: I have the mail.
Canary: I have bad news.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Just push go and let’s see what happens. Really, don’t worry I’ll go next. *Famous last words…
me: wow, first you drew me a bath, now breakfast?
wife: you deserve this
me: and the toaster is steady on the edge of the tub like that?
wife: we’ll find out
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
Outdoor heaters, because some people like to do their global warming directly.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles
20,000 Tons Of Pubic Hair Trimmed In Preparation For Valentine’s Day
Welcome to fatherhood, the only one calling you daddy now is your kids.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
friend: you’re not taking this chess game seriously
me: [pushing tiny horse down into my chocolate pudding] ARTAAAAX!
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
cars have windows and can move. houses have windows and can’t move. so it’s not the windows that make the car go, it’s something else entirely
Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.
I don’t just have a chip on my shoulder— I’ve got the whole potato