I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
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I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
Police can solve more crimes if they arrest every adult who owns a creepy mask.
They should watch more of Scooby-Doo.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
[road trip]
ME: I’m hungry, let’s stop and eat
FRIEND: I see a 24 hour breakfast place
ME: You idiot, we don’t have that kind of time
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
Welcome to backhanded compliment club, it’s so nice meeting people who don’t care how they look
[Shipwreck diary]
Day 1: Luckily the ship has enough food for 3 months. Longer if I ration well.
Day 2: I am out of food.
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
ME: so this is what it sounds like when doves cry
SUBWAY GUY: all I said was we were out of meatballs
WIFE: I don’t like pre Christmas, mainly because I’m so bad at buying presents.
ME: You just put them on the counter and give the checkout person money, Sharon.
HER: I hate you.
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I’m willing to go through a weeks worth of training at McDonalds just so I can say “Have a great McFuckin day” to people until I get fired.
Lunatics are gonna loon.
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
I’m so tired today. If you pulled up next to me in a car & said, “Get in loser. We’re going to–” I’d already be in the car with my seat belt fastened, fast asleep.
*weighs myself in kilograms to own the lbs
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
Hell yes I want to apply for your store credit card. Let’s go through the entire process now while the shoppers in line behind me fantasize about my brutal murder.
No one will even notice your holiday weight gain if you start carrying pie everywhere you go.
5 year old on the life cycle of humans:
“First you are a baby, then young, then a teenager, then an adult, then old…”Me: Sounds like you have a handle on it
5 yo: “…then caveman, and then rip.”
When a little kid starts crying at a sad part in a movie so you quickly explain it’s all make-believe to make her feel better but she starts crying louder because she just realized all the movies that made her happy are bullshit too.
For the record I support all forms of pizza. Deep dish, thin crust, large folded, all good. Delivery? Yes. Home made? You bet. A man covering himself with sauce and cheese and standing outside my window singing Air Supply? It’s a yes from me, pal.
Kinda creepy that my kids got in a screaming match over which one is my favorite since I don’t have any kids.
Bscape Enyone Aan Can Have
