Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

No son, you can’t go out with your friends. Tonight we’re installing Windows Updates, as a family.

it may be taboo, but i always climb down a ladder head first

I’ve reached the age where if someone rings my bell after 9pm I either left my car door open or I’m about to be murdered

Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*

Friend: I guess you had to be there.

Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.

game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]

Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.

Friend: Aren’t those jeans a little young for you?
Me: I’m sorry I can’t quite hear you. Come closer. Don’t be scared.

If I see someone stumble, catch themselves, & madly start looking about to see if anyone saw, I always make sure I make direct eye contact.

Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?

my therapist challenged me to get out of my comfort zone so i stopped watching tv in the living room and switched to the basement

I received a basketball in the mail from Amazon. I haven’t played basketball in 20 years but apparently drunk me thinks I’m Michael Jordan.

Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.

Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.

Him: I’d die before I break a promise to you.
Me: Or, very soon after.

This week’s mood.

On average, it takes a person 7 minutes to fall asleep…

2.5, if Tammy from purchasing is telling you about her weekend.

Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street

Admittedly, this is an incredible comeback.

Being an adult is like watching a foreign movie with no subtitles in a crowded theater, everyone else knows what’s going on and you just nod

The older you get the only functions you attend are bodily..

cop: do you know why I pulled you over?

me: I’m not psychic, Craig

cop: my name is Greg

me: I work at Starbucks

The future is now.

“Oh you have a hot tub? You never mentioned it” said no one ever.

6 year olds be like my best friend is Kevin and Charlie and Emma and Amy and Zach, lol stfu and go learn about superlatives, Tommy.

*gets several new followers on Sunday

*adds Jesus to resume

Me: Ahhhh. Just breathe in that salt air. Isn’t this nice?

Wife and kids: *choking in a salt mine* This vacation sucks!

My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok

Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY

Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.