I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
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women in PHLEGM (Philosophy, History, Languages, English Literature, Geography, Music)
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
Counting my teeth with my tongue. Not happy. Getting an odd number.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
Shout out to the pack of wolves that raised me to be the lady I am today.
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
the amazon drone struggles to stay in the air & nearly takes out a police helicopter as it makes its way to my house carrying 45 pounds of mustard
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
My 10 yr old daughter was saying how stressful life is but she did add “well, at least I’ve managed to go 10 years without drinking”
“Dark Side Tech Support.”
“Hi. My hand lightning won’t work. The hate’s flowing thru me, but nada.”
“Try turning the hate off & on again.”
me: I love the feel of fresh, crisp sheets against my naked body
clerk: ma’am, this is a Bed Bath & Beyond. please put your clothes on and leave
If by ‘the Hamptons’ you mean ‘my pajamas’, then yes, I absolutely weekend in the Hamptons.
boss: trouble at home?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] yeah
boss: wife giving you grief?
me: there’s a bee in my kitchen
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
“Where do you think you’re going?”
“Band practice, I told you.”
“Is your homework done?”
“Yes, DAD.”
“Be home by 6 for dinner.”
“But-“
“No buts, Mom’s making your favorite.”
help! watched my son get a mullet, and now I can’t stop singing Achy Breaky Heart.
Clearance aisles are awesome. I don’t even have a ham but for fifty cents I’m gonna glaze something.
I tell jokes for free but my therapist still expects payment every time he sees me perform my one hour special
Listerine: ‘I kill 99.99% of the germs that cause bad breath!’
Germ: ‘So you’re telling me there’s a chance!’
What does stormtrooper armor protect against, exactly? Knives?
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Not that anybody asked, but the Irresistible Force beats the Immovable Object — every time.
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
The easiest way to tell the difference between an alligator and a crocodile is to say goodbye and see how it responds.
Diarrhea. Having it. Spelling it.
Everything about it is shit.