I’ve broken all my New Year’s Resolutions so now I’m moving on to laws of nature.
You Might Also Like
Maybe Gotye was an actual goat that sold it’s soul for the chance to be a human with a hit song and now he is back to just being a goat
*builds a fort out of paper towel packages at store*
*coerces other customers to bring me cheese samples in exchange for fort privileges*
Like a lioness protecting her cub, but it’s me lunging at the coworker about to nibble on my favourite pen.
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
I’m not sure I like progress.
I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”
You can blame those “meddling kids” all you want. But let’s face it. Your entire plan was to dress up like a ghost.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
No no, I’m not going to pay for these hot wings, I discovered them and you JUST GOT COLUMBUSED
Morpheus: [holding blue and red pills]
Neo:
Morpheus: I can’t remember which one was which
“gravy is not a beverage.” ok well that’s why I was trying to drink it in the bathroom, so you wouldn’t see me
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Pro Tip: If your neighborhood is under a CodeRED shelter-in-place advisory for an armed suspect, don’t expect DoorDash to deliver your food.
Do you, Karen, take David the Optometrist to be your lawfully wedded husband, for better or worse? Better… or worse? Better… or worse?
What if the Trump assassin’s real goal all along was to break up Tenacious D
Potionheads be like bro this is an elixir bro it’s different just try it. Nice try junkie I’m sticking with the turkeylegs and apples I find on the castle floor
Going to start punching people in the face who say fight me. Words mean things, Paul.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
Who the hell named it a ” Crop-Top ” and not a ” T-short “?
Gf: Remember that night we had unprotected sex
Me: Yeah
Gf: I’m having twins
Me suspiciously: We only did it once why’s there two babies
I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
When I’m elected Pope, pants will be optional.
(at least for me)
(and that won’t really be a change from what I do now)
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.